I have maintainted my weight loss until the last 6 weeks. I am relapsing into sugar and see how out of control it makes me. I have been here before. I know what I MUST do and will do it. I must follow my food plan and abstain from sugar. I will lose the 6 pounds I have gained and be happy and free.
We joined the YMCA and want to focus on fitness, too. My 2014 goals are: increase strength, stamina, and agility.
So much has happened since I last posted. I will fill that in later.
Thursday, January 2, 2014
Monday, May 16, 2011
Those still suffering....
Everywhere around me I see folks suffering from the disease of compulsive overeating and food addiction. Members of my family, friends, co-workers, adults and children - people everywhere. I see so many people who have also had weight loss surgery and are completely demoralized from gaining the lost weight back plus more; just like I was. Hopeless people. Sad people. People just like me. People who will do everything to lose weight; and gaining weight back. I recently heard of the latest fad; intentionally getting tapeworms so one can eat with abandon and lose weight. And people think the structure and discipline of the HOW program is crazy?!?
What can I do? Follow my program of abstinence and be able to share the message. Pray for others. Be grateful I found the solution when I was ready to hear it. Doesn't seem like enough but it is what I can do. I need to remain humble. This is a challenge because I so often get smug and self-righteous.
What can I do? Follow my program of abstinence and be able to share the message. Pray for others. Be grateful I found the solution when I was ready to hear it. Doesn't seem like enough but it is what I can do. I need to remain humble. This is a challenge because I so often get smug and self-righteous.
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Mental Obsession
3. Read Step 1. Discuss the mental obsession that precedes that first compulsive bite. D & R upon the idea that obsessing about anything leads to compulsive eating.
This question hit me smack in the face and at first I didn’t get it. I never realized that that obsessing about anything leads to compulsive over-eating. So I re-read Step One and tried to find the answer. Of course, it is right there in the unmanageability section.
We didn’t realize how much we had damaged ourselves and others by trying to manage every detail of life. We must get daily treatment for it. The daily treatment must include turning our day over to our HP and giving up managing and obsessing about life. I do obsess about things sometimes; my home and the condition it is in, the décor, entertaining, shopping, clothes, money, my kids, what other people think. This is talking about any mental obsession. This is eye-opening for me.
I was saying I don’t obsess about food. Then I stopped to think about this. I was thinking this meant obsessing about a particular individual food which would lead to compulsively eating that food. I rarely do that.
BUT
I do obsess about food: buying food, the price of food, using coupons, where to get it, what to serve guests, how to make food taste great, preparing food, storing food, etc. I think about all of this a lot.
Looking at obsessing in this light is going to be a big process for me.
This question hit me smack in the face and at first I didn’t get it. I never realized that that obsessing about anything leads to compulsive over-eating. So I re-read Step One and tried to find the answer. Of course, it is right there in the unmanageability section.
We didn’t realize how much we had damaged ourselves and others by trying to manage every detail of life. We must get daily treatment for it. The daily treatment must include turning our day over to our HP and giving up managing and obsessing about life. I do obsess about things sometimes; my home and the condition it is in, the décor, entertaining, shopping, clothes, money, my kids, what other people think. This is talking about any mental obsession. This is eye-opening for me.
I was saying I don’t obsess about food. Then I stopped to think about this. I was thinking this meant obsessing about a particular individual food which would lead to compulsively eating that food. I rarely do that.
BUT
I do obsess about food: buying food, the price of food, using coupons, where to get it, what to serve guests, how to make food taste great, preparing food, storing food, etc. I think about all of this a lot.
Looking at obsessing in this light is going to be a big process for me.
Monday, May 9, 2011
Spiritual Condition = Continued Recovery
"How many times have I fallen for the mistaken notion that after a few days or months of successful eating and living, I can again take charge of my life? I have learned the hard way, by successive relapse and humiliations, that no matter how much better I look, and act, and feel, my Higher Power must always be in charge of my life. My continued recovery depends on the continual maintenance and growth of my spiritual condition."
O.A. Voices of Recovery p.129
I had a call from an OA and I mentioned my sponsor had suggested I get a new sponsor. The OA said, "I just got an opening." This was a direct HP thing. This sponsor seems perfect for me. Lots of experience with abstinence and she does not play God and "preach" and she is not wishy-washy. I read her the previous blog and my food history. I came clean with her and began anew. I feel so much better following a clean program. Not perfection- but progress.
I need to read the quote above everyday. Otherwise I began to listen to my disease's voice---and that leads to demoralization and hopelessness.
O.A. Voices of Recovery p.129
I had a call from an OA and I mentioned my sponsor had suggested I get a new sponsor. The OA said, "I just got an opening." This was a direct HP thing. This sponsor seems perfect for me. Lots of experience with abstinence and she does not play God and "preach" and she is not wishy-washy. I read her the previous blog and my food history. I came clean with her and began anew. I feel so much better following a clean program. Not perfection- but progress.
I need to read the quote above everyday. Otherwise I began to listen to my disease's voice---and that leads to demoralization and hopelessness.
Friday, May 6, 2011
Reading
I have:
- AA Big Book
- AA 12 Steps & 12 Traditions
- Overeater's Anonymous 12 Steps & 12 Traditions
- The Thin Books: Daily Strategies & Meditations for Fat-Free, Guilt-Free, Binge-Free Living
- Voices of Recovery; Overeater's Anonymous
- Bill Says
"I can do this on my own now"
"We have bad news for you, if you take that first compulsive bite..."
The inevitable happened. I am an addict. In May of 2010, I decided I no longer needed the discipline of the H.O.W. program, and guaranteed to my spouse, my sponsor and others that if I was "in trouble" I would know it and get right back into H.O.W. I did wonderfully until Christmastime, 2010. I took that first compulsive bite of holiday treats I was making. No problem until about a week later and I did it again--only more bites this time. If you know compulsive over-eating, you know it wasn't long until I was eating "goodies" compulsively. After the holidays, I stopped the compulsive sugar-eating and carried on. I did not measure "exactly." I did not follow my plan exactly. I went to Palm Springs and "managed" my own eating.
My addict-self crept in on me and eventually/inevitably I began eating cereal for my morning carb again. I began adding a bit more and a bit more until my portion was doubled, more than doubled. To offset this, I didn't eat some of my other morning food, like my fat and protein and dairy....playing with my food plan.
In March, 2011 I finally told myself the truth, as I watched myself get entirely out-of-control with the cereal, skipping foods, and eating compulsively. I found a nearby H.O.W. meeting and began going again. It took me a few weeks to find a sponsor. She happened to be very nice (wishy-washy) and this worked into my addiction beautifully. I "committed" my food to her, read my assignments to her and made a half-hearted attempt at following the program. I went to the meetings, called her and wrote answers. I did not make phone calls. I did not do any reading. I did not tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I "tried" to follow my food plan and would tell myself every night that "tomorrow I will stop eating cereal", follow my food plan, and every morning I would eat the cereal. Again. I find that I am hungry/craving often, and I never was before this relapse.
I am still slim (fooling everyone and myself), but I have gained about 10 pounds. (from 105 to 115 pounds). This is tricky because everyone had been telling me I was too thin, "so what's a few pounds?" I think about my weight constantly. Deep down I feel scared to death and as though I already weigh 200 pounds. My mind is no longer my own and I am obsessing.
My sponsor became ill and said I should probably find a new sponsor. She is very apologetic for her unreliability. (the unreliability that I love!) This has caused me to look at myself honestly. I have to USE THE TOOLS. I went to the half-price bookstore and bought some books to read. I found my blog and am writing. I am determined to get back to the place I was in in my previous posts. Actually, I won't be in that place; I will be in a new, more wise place. (hopefully.)
So I am writing this and I know I must share it my spouse and others. I have to "come clean" and get truly abstinent. I am afraid of this. I may need to see my dietitian to revise my plan to lose the weight I have put on. I have to find a new, more demanding and committed sponsor. I may need 2 meetings per week.
For today:
I am reading books and writing this.
I must find a new sponsor who holds me accountable.
I must start seeking help outside of myself.
I can commit to these steps today.
The inevitable happened. I am an addict. In May of 2010, I decided I no longer needed the discipline of the H.O.W. program, and guaranteed to my spouse, my sponsor and others that if I was "in trouble" I would know it and get right back into H.O.W. I did wonderfully until Christmastime, 2010. I took that first compulsive bite of holiday treats I was making. No problem until about a week later and I did it again--only more bites this time. If you know compulsive over-eating, you know it wasn't long until I was eating "goodies" compulsively. After the holidays, I stopped the compulsive sugar-eating and carried on. I did not measure "exactly." I did not follow my plan exactly. I went to Palm Springs and "managed" my own eating.
My addict-self crept in on me and eventually/inevitably I began eating cereal for my morning carb again. I began adding a bit more and a bit more until my portion was doubled, more than doubled. To offset this, I didn't eat some of my other morning food, like my fat and protein and dairy....playing with my food plan.
In March, 2011 I finally told myself the truth, as I watched myself get entirely out-of-control with the cereal, skipping foods, and eating compulsively. I found a nearby H.O.W. meeting and began going again. It took me a few weeks to find a sponsor. She happened to be very nice (wishy-washy) and this worked into my addiction beautifully. I "committed" my food to her, read my assignments to her and made a half-hearted attempt at following the program. I went to the meetings, called her and wrote answers. I did not make phone calls. I did not do any reading. I did not tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I "tried" to follow my food plan and would tell myself every night that "tomorrow I will stop eating cereal", follow my food plan, and every morning I would eat the cereal. Again. I find that I am hungry/craving often, and I never was before this relapse.
I am still slim (fooling everyone and myself), but I have gained about 10 pounds. (from 105 to 115 pounds). This is tricky because everyone had been telling me I was too thin, "so what's a few pounds?" I think about my weight constantly. Deep down I feel scared to death and as though I already weigh 200 pounds. My mind is no longer my own and I am obsessing.
My sponsor became ill and said I should probably find a new sponsor. She is very apologetic for her unreliability. (the unreliability that I love!) This has caused me to look at myself honestly. I have to USE THE TOOLS. I went to the half-price bookstore and bought some books to read. I found my blog and am writing. I am determined to get back to the place I was in in my previous posts. Actually, I won't be in that place; I will be in a new, more wise place. (hopefully.)
So I am writing this and I know I must share it my spouse and others. I have to "come clean" and get truly abstinent. I am afraid of this. I may need to see my dietitian to revise my plan to lose the weight I have put on. I have to find a new, more demanding and committed sponsor. I may need 2 meetings per week.
For today:
I am reading books and writing this.
I must find a new sponsor who holds me accountable.
I must start seeking help outside of myself.
I can commit to these steps today.
Monday, January 4, 2010
I put my hand in yours and together we do what we could never do alone.
No longer a sense of hopelessness,
No longer must we each depend upon our own unsteady willpower.
We are all together now
Reaching out our hand
For a power and strength greater than ours
And as we join hands
We find love and understanding beyond our wildest dreams.
This is the prayer of the Roseanne, the founder of OA 50 years ago. What a year 2009 has been with the amazing miracle of recovery. My 2010 prayer for you is health, serenity and joy!
No longer a sense of hopelessness,
No longer must we each depend upon our own unsteady willpower.
We are all together now
Reaching out our hand
For a power and strength greater than ours
And as we join hands
We find love and understanding beyond our wildest dreams.
This is the prayer of the Roseanne, the founder of OA 50 years ago. What a year 2009 has been with the amazing miracle of recovery. My 2010 prayer for you is health, serenity and joy!
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