Susan Sontag said of cancer: "the reputation of the disease adds to the suffering of those who have it."
This is true of the disease of food addiction also. People who wear their addiction on their bodies are discriminated against in our society and are maligned covertly and overtly. Fatnlazy and fatnugly are singular words reflecting the attitudes: "just stop eating, fat people are just lazy, put the fork down, get away from the table." How many times I prayed to just stop. Now I am recovering one day at a time and pray daily for those still suffering from the disease. By praying for them, I am helping to rid myself of internalized self hatred and working on my character defects of arrogance and judgmentalism.
Step 7: Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Fatnlazy, Fatnugly
Humility
To those of us who have made progress in OA, humility amounts to a clear recognition of what and who we really are, followed by a sincere attempt to become what we could be. Big Book p.58
I often think about how I came to the realization that I am a true compulsive and obsessive overeater and food addict. I was informed by the readings at the meetings and the realization was further deepened by the reading & writing assignments that are standard in OA HOW. Over a relatively short period of time, I was able to understand the delusional thinking (insanity) that directed everything I did. I ate the way I ate, thought the way I thought, and lived the way I lived -- I did not connect the dots that this is why I was miserable about my weight, food and alcohol. Now that I am abstinent (following my food plan) I am able to focus on running up and down the 12 Steps and becoming the person I have always wished I could be. This is freedom.
Are you or anyone you know looking for freedom? There is a solution!
Monday, March 30, 2009
Step 4- Made A Searching & Fearless Moral Inventory of Ourselves
Last month I began my Step 4 work and I made a list of all the people who I feel have offended or hurt me and whom I resent. I asked my Higher Power to help me forgive them all. Remembering all the hurts and sharing them with my sponsor was emotionally difficult, but so valuable. This quote describes my experience:
"Forgiveness is the fragrance a violet sheds, after a heel has crushed it." ~Mark Twain.
"Forgiveness is the fragrance a violet sheds, after a heel has crushed it." ~Mark Twain.
Next, I focus on myself and my own shortcomings and ways I have hurt other people. These are the steps that lead me to freedom. Daunting, but the promises are worth the trip. Stay tuned for more.
"For Tools To Work You Have To Use Them"
At every OA HOW meeting we hear this read about the tools. When I first began in September I did not see how I could fit all 7 tools into my life and get a routine that incorporated them. (see an earlier post for plan of eating-abstinence)
I especially didn't embrace the daily telephone hook-ups. I hated using the phone so much I didn't know my own cell phone number and never gave it out. I also hate "making conversation" and struggled with talking to people I didn't even know-- AND what would I talk about? I admit some of the calls seemed excruciating. Dead. Silence. But here is the key for me, I was willing to go to any lengths to solve my problem and successful OAs told me that this was a tool I needed to use and so I did it. Eventually, the calls got easier and I formed my own tribe within the bigger clan of OA.
Another tool that was struggle for me was sponsoring. My sponsor scared me and I felt anxious -- wasn't a great fit, and I appreciate that she got me started. The program tells us we can change sponsors at any time and for any reason--and so I changed sponsors. My current sponsor is my mentor, guide, teacher, and she tells me "I've got your back."
I learned from errors about the anonymity tool. I announced my sponsors name to people, talked about people's stories (nameless, but still not anonymous) and other embarrassing breaches. I am not perfect with anonymity but I am improved.
The tools of attending meetings and literature & writing were easy for me because I liked them and got so much from them. I went to 4 different meetings until I found the meeting that is just right for me. I highly recommend this.
The final tool is service. My sponsor asked me to do service everyday. She later had to suggest to me that I seemed flippant about this. I realized my flippancy is a learned way I handle discomfort. It felt conceited to be telling someone 'this is the good thing I did today." I am so glad my sponsor brings up these things. I grew so much from this. I do service as often as I can and have asked my Higher Power to show me ways to be of useful service to others in small, everyday ways and to provide me opportunities to be of service to my fellows in OA.
I especially didn't embrace the daily telephone hook-ups. I hated using the phone so much I didn't know my own cell phone number and never gave it out. I also hate "making conversation" and struggled with talking to people I didn't even know-- AND what would I talk about? I admit some of the calls seemed excruciating. Dead. Silence. But here is the key for me, I was willing to go to any lengths to solve my problem and successful OAs told me that this was a tool I needed to use and so I did it. Eventually, the calls got easier and I formed my own tribe within the bigger clan of OA.
Another tool that was struggle for me was sponsoring. My sponsor scared me and I felt anxious -- wasn't a great fit, and I appreciate that she got me started. The program tells us we can change sponsors at any time and for any reason--and so I changed sponsors. My current sponsor is my mentor, guide, teacher, and she tells me "I've got your back."
I learned from errors about the anonymity tool. I announced my sponsors name to people, talked about people's stories (nameless, but still not anonymous) and other embarrassing breaches. I am not perfect with anonymity but I am improved.
The tools of attending meetings and literature & writing were easy for me because I liked them and got so much from them. I went to 4 different meetings until I found the meeting that is just right for me. I highly recommend this.
The final tool is service. My sponsor asked me to do service everyday. She later had to suggest to me that I seemed flippant about this. I realized my flippancy is a learned way I handle discomfort. It felt conceited to be telling someone 'this is the good thing I did today." I am so glad my sponsor brings up these things. I grew so much from this. I do service as often as I can and have asked my Higher Power to show me ways to be of useful service to others in small, everyday ways and to provide me opportunities to be of service to my fellows in OA.
Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed
our path. BB p. 58
A Conversation
Nephew: "Auntie looks pretty-- and thinner."
Cousin: "She's in a 12 Step Program.
Nephew: "She sure must be running up and down the steps a LOT."
It sure is interesting to hear the array of comments people have when they here about my recovery program:
"If I had to do what you do, it would drive me crazy." (Actually it is driving me sane.)
"That's nice." (You've heard of Minnesota Nice?")
"That's different." (More Minnesota-speak!)
"How do you ever have time for all that?" (Just contrast it with the time spent obsesssing about food & weight, or the time spent being ill later.)
"I'd never have the willpower to do that!" (Me either, that is why I need a power outside of myself and the support of my fellow OAs to do this.)
"Hurray for you, I support you 100%! (Thank you all who offer support and encouragement!)
"Well, it is obviously working! Congratulations!" (You can see the changes on the outside, you should see what is happening on the inside.)
"I would like to go to a meeting with you, does it cost anything" (I would love that, the meeting is open to anyone looking for a solution and is free .)
Cousin: "She's in a 12 Step Program.
Nephew: "She sure must be running up and down the steps a LOT."
It sure is interesting to hear the array of comments people have when they here about my recovery program:
"If I had to do what you do, it would drive me crazy." (Actually it is driving me sane.)
"That's nice." (You've heard of Minnesota Nice?")
"That's different." (More Minnesota-speak!)
"How do you ever have time for all that?" (Just contrast it with the time spent obsesssing about food & weight, or the time spent being ill later.)
"I'd never have the willpower to do that!" (Me either, that is why I need a power outside of myself and the support of my fellow OAs to do this.)
"Hurray for you, I support you 100%! (Thank you all who offer support and encouragement!)
"Well, it is obviously working! Congratulations!" (You can see the changes on the outside, you should see what is happening on the inside.)
"I would like to go to a meeting with you, does it cost anything" (I would love that, the meeting is open to anyone looking for a solution and is free .)
Saturday, March 28, 2009
What I Do
My plan of eating was designed for me by a registered dietician. I have 3 meals and 2 snacks daily. Each day I write out my exact plan for the day--what I am going to eat and the amounts. I call my sponsor everyday and read my daily plan to her. This is my committed food plan and I do not change it unless I call her and "make a food change." I weigh and measure my food so that I am consuming the exact amounts designated by my dietician. I consume no refined sugars or alcohol. The amazing miracle is that after a week of following my plan I had no cravings of any kind-ever. I know this might not happen for everyone, but it happened for me. I am never hungry and I rarely think about food unless it is a designated time to eat, and even then I am never ravenous. Some of you recognize this for the miracle that it is.
Since beginning OA HOW and following this plan of eating and using the tools listed in an earlier post, I have lost 40 pounds. I have 20 pounds to lose to reach my goal weight. I have gone from a size 16-18 to a size 10. I have done this before, but now I feel fully confident that I will maintain my goal weight for a lifetime.
We learned that we had to fully concede to our innermost selves that we are food addicts. This is the first step in recovery. The delusion that we are like other people or presently may be, has to be smashed.
We food addicts are men and women who have lost our ability to control our eating. We know that no real food addict ever regains control. All of us felt at times that we were regaining control, but such intervals--usually brief--were inevitable followed by still less control, which led in time to pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization. We are convinced to a man that food addicts of our type are in the grip of a progressive illness. Over any considerable perod we get worse, never better.
Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous p. 30 (adapted for food addiction)
To find out more about OA: www.oa.org
Friday, March 27, 2009
The Awful Truth- gulp! what I NEVER reveal
On September 19, 2008 I weighed 191.5 pounds at 5'1.5" tall and 58 years old. My highest lifetime weight was 252 pounds. I have lost weight (hundreds of pounds) using most of the commercial weight loss, nutrition and exercise products available, including but not limited to: TOPS, Weight Watchers, Diet Center, Opti-Fast, NutriSystems, LA Weight Loss, Atkins Diet, prescription diet pills, Curves, The YWCA, supplements, prayer, fasting, psychotherapy, "You On A Diet," Dr. Phil's book, Oprah's Boot Camp, and doctor-prescribed diets. And, something almost no one knows about me, and I am just beginning to tell people, I had weight loss surgery in 1981. I have done EVERYTHING to lose weight and solve my problem. Everytime I started a new plan I was enthusiastic and successful! For a while. Always I gained the weight back and reduced self-esteem with it. I did not know what my problem was!
The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous tells me that I have the disease of addiction, and even one bite for an addict will result in a relapse and the cycle begins again. This has been absolutely true for me - I qualify! I was defeated, dumb-founded, depressed, demoralized, and desperate.
What I learned in OA HOW is that my disease of food addiction and compulsive overeating is cunning and baffling, that the only solution is a plan of eating that leads to abstinence. Abstinence is Step Zero and following the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous is the path to freedom. I did not totally accept or understand this or believe I could do it. I thought the HOW program was rigid, inconvenient, and "over-the-top" --but I had no where else to go and nothing left to try.
The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous tells me that I have the disease of addiction, and even one bite for an addict will result in a relapse and the cycle begins again. This has been absolutely true for me - I qualify! I was defeated, dumb-founded, depressed, demoralized, and desperate.
What I learned in OA HOW is that my disease of food addiction and compulsive overeating is cunning and baffling, that the only solution is a plan of eating that leads to abstinence. Abstinence is Step Zero and following the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous is the path to freedom. I did not totally accept or understand this or believe I could do it. I thought the HOW program was rigid, inconvenient, and "over-the-top" --but I had no where else to go and nothing left to try.
The Backstory
This blog will chronicle my journey in the Overeater's Anonymous-HOW (Honesty, Openess, Willingness) program - a structured and disciplined approach to recovery from compulsive overeating and food addiction. I entered the rooms of HOW on September 19, 2008, hopelessly demoralized about my obesity, weight loss, and weight gain history and knew I had to find a solution that worked. The program is based on the 12 Steps and 12 Traditions of Alcoholics Anonymous. Everything I heard at that first meeting resounded with me and I knew I was where I was supposed to be and I jumped right in, wanting what I saw that other OAs had. I wish I had started this blog from day 1, but I will try to recapture those days because they are important to knowing this journey. The willingness I felt does not mean that I have not struggled and does not mean that I was open to using the 7 tools:
- abstinence-a plan of eating
- meetings
- anonymity
- sponsoring
- telephoning
- literature & writing
- service
As you will often hear in 12 Step programs, the thoughts, feelings, and experiences written here are mine and mine alone- "take what you can and leave the rest." Also, OA-HOW is an anonymous program and so I will not be revealing identifiable information to protect my anonymity and the anonymity of others, honoring the 12th Tradition: "Anonymity is the spiritiual foundation of all our traditions, ever reminding us to place principles before personalities." and the HOW tool of anonymity.
"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."
- abstinence-a plan of eating
- meetings
- anonymity
- sponsoring
- telephoning
- literature & writing
- service
As you will often hear in 12 Step programs, the thoughts, feelings, and experiences written here are mine and mine alone- "take what you can and leave the rest." Also, OA-HOW is an anonymous program and so I will not be revealing identifiable information to protect my anonymity and the anonymity of others, honoring the 12th Tradition: "Anonymity is the spiritiual foundation of all our traditions, ever reminding us to place principles before personalities." and the HOW tool of anonymity.
"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."
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