It's Not Magic- But It Is A Miracle

This expresses exactly how I feel about my recovery and my weight loss. There is no magic to it, really. If you follow a food plan that provides fewer calories than you expend, you will lose weight. Scientific construct. The miracle is that I have been able to follow the food plan, that I have the program in place that enables me to do this, after a lifetime of not being able to do this. The program in place provides everything I need: guidance, support, education, accountability, encouragement, lifelong recovery- and above all, the understanding that I must rely on a power greater than myself to do this. My self is what got me into the state I was in, my higher power is what got me out. How can I ever express the gratitude I feel for the miracle of the H.O.W. program?

Acceptance

"And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes."
Big Book of AA

I have to acknowledge that I have spent much of my time focusing on the changes that need to be made in the world. There have been so many "isms" to correct! I have also dissected and discussed all manner of the ills of others and things that have not gone the way I want them to in life. This segment from the Big Book pulls me up short and forces me to face the truth: my efforts need to be focused on my attitudes and my behaviors; those things that my HP and I can change together. I cannot have both recovery and this outwardly focused selfish attitude of wanting things to be the way I think they should be --today I must choose.

Spiritual Growth & Recovery

Today I was speaking with some of my Muslim friends. This is their month of fasting and they shared some of the benefits of their practice and how it allows for spiritual growth. I realized that by "putting my food in cup" I was also allowing for spiritual growth, much like fasting. As I learned about Islam from them, they learned about the the 12 Steps from me. The similarities were very interesting for us to note.

I have noticed that many of my blogs lately are about my physical recovery, but I do not want to minimize the phenomenal emotional and spiritual growth I am experiencing. This 3-fold program is divinely inspired. I wish I could make everyone see it and be fearless enough to jump in, but alas, that is God's work not mine.

Reaching Goal

I have reached the goal of 125 pounds that my doctor originally set for me! This cannot be real. I now weigh one half of my top weight. As I visualize carrying myself on my back I can see what was happening to my knees, hips, back, and breathing. I am beyond able to express my awe and gratitude at this miracle and now all I can do is carry the message to other sufferers in any way I can. My doctor says I can continue losing until my body naturally stops losing, but no lower than 115 pounds. I recently bought a new pair of jeans size 0. I am not trying to brag about this, but share it to express how amazing the HOW program is! I have never lost below 140 pounds on any of my self-will weight loss methods. I have allowed my body to get to the right weight it is meant to carry on my frame. Size 0-2 right now.

I have to admit to being a fashionista! I love trying on new clothes, trying new styles, and seeking those things that I want to wear, not those things that I can fit into. Since I have no clothes in my size for fall and winter this has meant quite a lot of shopping and I am becoming a bargain fashionista. I know all the best places to find quality clothing at a fraction of the cost. Even my shoe size has changed! I love to help people shop and wish someone would seek my help. I am trying to spread the word about this. I have accepted that I am a fashionista and that it does not equate to being shallow. The promises are coming true.

Numbers, numbers, numbers

I am within 5 pounds of the goal weight set for me by my doctor- 125 pounds. To think I once weighed twice that is mind-boggling. My highest BMI was 46, my BMI when I got to OA HOW was 35 and now it is 23. My brain still doesn't have this information registered yet. I perceive myself as fat, even though the visual evidence proves otherwise. I understand from others that it takes time for the cognitive dissonance to go away. I feel like I am always looking in the mirror to try to "see" myself. I don't believe the clothes size I am buying: P4 and some 2's. I try to accept the comments of "you're so small, petite, thin, skinny, etc....one colleague endearingly calls me "small person."

I am so grateful to the friend of a friend who I heard about doing OA HOW and her abstinence and maintenance. I am extremely grateful to my sponsor who guides me with love and discipline. I am grateful to all my OA fellows for sticking with me and picking up the phone when I call. I am grateful to my family for their loving and cheerful support. Mostly, I am grateful to my Higher Power for giving me all those people to help me on this journey. Lastly, I am grateful for the Big Book that tells me:
"The spiritual life is not a theory. We have to live it."

Woe Is Me- Life on Life's Terms redux

My car broke down last Friday and I got the news today. My transmission needs repair for $5,000! What a terrible time for this news. As we are working to decide a solution, I am so regretful that this has happened. My Prius should have had 100M more miles to go, at least in my thinking...these money concerns really make it hard to stay serene about Deanna's work and waiting for the pay-off. I am trying not to over-think how this could have all gone awry at this time in our lives. When we bought our home the future seemed to secure and bright. I am really struggling not to be resentful of LISC and everything else that put us here, and trusting that Deanna's ship will come in. It is not easy to stay believing that we are right where we are supposed to be. It is not where I like to be, that is for sure. I never want to be poor again. I don't like loosing my options. I don't like being afraid and insecure. I don't like being resentful. I don't want to have to work at this job forever. It is easy to say "Thy will be done," it is not easy to live it, when things are not going the way I want them to.

Shopping Surprises Again

This past week-end we went shopping because, once again, my clothes were too big. (such a terrible problem to have-ha-ha!) It was interesting to find out that I jumped a size by loosing about 6 pounds. I went from 8P to 4P. I am still in shock since I have never been a size 4P- EVER. I tried on lots of jeans and found myself thinking "why aren't there more choices in small sizes?" When I have heard skinny people say this in the past, my inward response was "wah-wah-wah." I did finally find jeans that fit perfectly and they look kid-sized to me. I saw a great blouse and said: "this is the kind of blouse I always wished I could wear." It looked kind of 1940's with a little belt. My partner, Deanna, said : "so, try it on." I did and it looked great so I bought it. How exciting to be able to buy lots of different clothing styles and actually spend time choosing the best fit and style, not just having if I could get them buttoned as my buying criteria. Heady, this.

I also took clothes to the consignment shop and while there looked at winter coats. I found the perfect purple wool coat ---- in a size 2. I keep looking at the coat and putting it on and thinking "it has to be mis-marked". Some of you will recognize this cognitive dissonance for what it is. I keep wanting to tell people about it, not to brag, but to get a reality check. It is so outside the boundaries of my experience that I can't accept it. I am finding I can't talk to many about my experiences because like the numbers say: the average woman wears size 14 and talking about size 4P and 2P seems outlandish and maybe insulting.

All this because I was willing to "put my food in a cup."