"I can do this on my own now"

"We have bad news for you, if you take that first compulsive bite..."

The inevitable happened. I am an addict. In May of 2010, I decided I no longer needed the discipline of the H.O.W. program, and guaranteed to my spouse, my sponsor and others that if I was "in trouble" I would know it and get right back into H.O.W. I did wonderfully until Christmastime, 2010. I took that first compulsive bite of holiday treats I was making. No problem until about a week later and I did it again--only more bites this time. If you know compulsive over-eating, you know it wasn't long until I was eating "goodies" compulsively. After the holidays, I stopped the compulsive sugar-eating and carried on. I did not measure "exactly." I did not follow my plan exactly. I went to Palm Springs and "managed" my own eating.

My addict-self crept in on me and eventually/inevitably I began eating cereal for my morning carb again. I began adding a bit more and a bit more until my portion was doubled, more than doubled. To offset this, I didn't eat some of my other morning food, like my fat and protein and dairy....playing with my food plan.

In March, 2011 I finally told myself the truth, as I watched myself get entirely out-of-control with the cereal, skipping foods, and eating compulsively. I found a nearby H.O.W. meeting and began going again. It took me a few weeks to find a sponsor. She happened to be very nice (wishy-washy) and this worked into my addiction beautifully. I "committed" my food to her, read my assignments to her and made a half-hearted attempt at following the program. I went to the meetings, called her and wrote answers. I did not make phone calls. I did not do any reading. I did not tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I "tried" to follow my food plan and would tell myself every night that "tomorrow I will stop eating cereal", follow my food plan, and every morning I would eat the cereal. Again. I find that I am hungry/craving often, and I never was before this relapse.

I am still slim (fooling everyone and myself), but I have gained about 10 pounds. (from 105 to 115 pounds). This is tricky because everyone had been telling me I was too thin, "so what's a few pounds?" I think about my weight constantly. Deep down I feel scared to death and as though I already weigh 200 pounds. My mind is no longer my own and I am obsessing.

My sponsor became ill and said I should probably find a new sponsor. She is very apologetic for her unreliability. (the unreliability that I love!) This has caused me to look at myself honestly. I have to USE THE TOOLS. I went to the half-price bookstore and bought some books to read. I found my blog and am writing. I am determined to get back to the place I was in in my previous posts. Actually, I won't be in that place; I will be in a new, more wise place. (hopefully.)

So I am writing this and I know I must share it my spouse and others. I have to "come clean" and get truly abstinent. I am afraid of this. I may need to see my dietitian to revise my plan to lose the weight I have put on. I have to find a new, more demanding and committed sponsor. I may need 2 meetings per week.

For today:
I am reading books and writing this.
I must find a new sponsor who holds me accountable.
I must start seeking help outside of myself.
I can commit to these steps today.

I put my hand in yours and together we do what we could never do alone.
No longer a sense of hopelessness,
No longer must we each depend upon our own unsteady willpower.
We are all together now
Reaching out our hand
For a power and strength greater than ours
And as we join hands
We find love and understanding beyond our wildest dreams.

This is the prayer of the Roseanne, the founder of OA 50 years ago. What a year 2009 has been with the amazing miracle of recovery. My 2010 prayer for you is health, serenity and joy!

"In The Mirror"

If you have been reading my blog you know that during my significant weight loss, I discovered self-image and body perception issues, as well as little confidence in choosing flattering, well-fitting and quality clothing to create an entire new wardrobe. I have been studying everything I could learn to help me create a quality new wardrobe on a budget. I have visited thrift and consignment stores throughout the Twin Cities and created a fabulous new wardrobe. Friends, family and colleagues noticed and began to ask me for assistance to edit and organize their closets and shopping with them to create their perfect wardrobes. They have been delighted with the results and told their friends and so “In The Mirror” was born.

My new endeavor, “In The Mirror” offers self-image and style workshops, closet-editing, style mentoring and guided shopping trips. The first workshop is scheduled for January 30, 2010 at the Comfort Inn and Suites in Woodbury. The cost is $50.00. I f you would like more information about the workshop or my personal services contact me at: inthemirror@comcast.net
The available slots are filling up fast, so contact me soon if you are interested! I 'd love to work with you.

Maintenance

I am now maintaining my weight at 114-118 pounds that represents about a 140 pound weight loss- 77 pounds in the H.O.W. Program. It is a whole new life (!) and way of living to be slender and to be incorporating the 12-Steps into my life. It is especially noticeable to me at Christmastime. I am not food-centered! This is an amazing thing. Multiple events with tables full of every kind of food imaginable, including those holiday cookies, candies, and chocolate--and I don't react at all. But it is about far more than food- I have time and energy to focus on people in a whole new way. I am moving away from being judgmental. I make apologies quickly for errors I make. I am forgiving far sooner and more often than ever before. I am a better listener. I am a better spouse, sister, aunt, mother, grandmother, friend, and co-worker. I make a daily inventory to help me on focus on MY character defects and not everyone elses. Miraculous changes.

I am no where near perfect at any of this and I struggle to be the person my Higher Power wants me to be--and yet, for the first time in my life, I am focused on keeping "a fit spiritual condition." All of us compulsive over-eaters in H.O.W. know that we are but one compulsive bite away from relapse and that our abstinence is based on maintaining a fit spiritual condition. "One bite is too many and a thousand bites is not enough."

I am grateful this Holiday season and looking forward to 2010 and all that it brings to me. I wish all of you the best.

Goal Weight

Today I am at my goal weight of 115 pounds. I still struggle with realizing how slim and trim I am. I am getting closer to knowing that I am truly quite petite. It is so foreign to me, an alien concept. I am down 137 pounds from my top weight and 77 pounds since joining HOW in the fall of 2008. It seems like magic, but it is not. It is the result of doing what I cannot do on my own (following a food plan, learning to live by the 12 steps) one day at a time, and then doing it the next day.

I still wish every person I know who is struggling with food, eating, and weight issues could know the simple pleasure of "putting your food in a cup" and living right-sized.

Bondage

I had an image at the OA Convention of bondage. I was duct-taped to chair (it could be ropes or chains for that matter) and struggling and wriggling to get free. I could not get myself free regardless of how I tried. I was only freed when someone else came and cut the tape and set me free. My bondage to food and to self are like that, too. Only a power outside of myself can come and set me free.

I am so grateful to be free today. One day at a time.

Are you a compulsive overeater?

Are You a Compulsive Overeater?

Do you eat when you’re not hungry?
Do you go on eating binges for no apparent reason?
Do you have feelings of guilt and remorse after overeating?
Do you give too much time and thought to food?
Do you look forward with pleasure and anticipation to the time when you can eat alone?
Do you plan these secret binges ahead of time?
Do you eat sensibly before others and make up for it alone?
Is your weight affecting the way you live your life?
Have you tried to diet for a week (or longer), only to fall short of your goal?
Do you resent others telling you to “use a little willpower” to stop overeating?
Despite evidence to the contrary, have you continued to assert that you can diet “on your own” whenever you wish?
Do you crave to eat at a definite time, day or night, other than mealtime?
Do you eat to escape from worries or trouble?
Have you ever been treated for obesity or a food-related condition?
Does your eating behavior make you or others unhappy?

Have you answered yes to three or more of these questions? If so, it is probable that you have or are well on your way to having a compulsive eating problem. We have found that the way to arrest this progressive disease is to practice the Twelve-Step recovery program of Overeaters Anonymous. Overeaters Anonymous is a fellowship of individuals who, through shared experience, strength and hope, are recovering from compulsive overeating. We welcome everyone who wants to stop eating compulsively. There are no dues or fees for members; we are self-supporting through our own contributions, neither soliciting nor accepting outside donations. OA is not affiliated with any public or private organization, political movement, ideology or religious doctrine; we take no position on outside issues. Our primary purpose is to abstain from compulsive overeating and to carry this message of recovery to those who still suffer.