Shopping Surprises Again

This past week-end we went shopping because, once again, my clothes were too big. (such a terrible problem to have-ha-ha!) It was interesting to find out that I jumped a size by loosing about 6 pounds. I went from 8P to 4P. I am still in shock since I have never been a size 4P- EVER. I tried on lots of jeans and found myself thinking "why aren't there more choices in small sizes?" When I have heard skinny people say this in the past, my inward response was "wah-wah-wah." I did finally find jeans that fit perfectly and they look kid-sized to me. I saw a great blouse and said: "this is the kind of blouse I always wished I could wear." It looked kind of 1940's with a little belt. My partner, Deanna, said : "so, try it on." I did and it looked great so I bought it. How exciting to be able to buy lots of different clothing styles and actually spend time choosing the best fit and style, not just having if I could get them buttoned as my buying criteria. Heady, this.

I also took clothes to the consignment shop and while there looked at winter coats. I found the perfect purple wool coat ---- in a size 2. I keep looking at the coat and putting it on and thinking "it has to be mis-marked". Some of you will recognize this cognitive dissonance for what it is. I keep wanting to tell people about it, not to brag, but to get a reality check. It is so outside the boundaries of my experience that I can't accept it. I am finding I can't talk to many about my experiences because like the numbers say: the average woman wears size 14 and talking about size 4P and 2P seems outlandish and maybe insulting.

All this because I was willing to "put my food in a cup."

Healthy!

I had a doctor appointment to evaluate my "metabolic syndrome" conditions of high cholesterol and high glucose. What a wonderful change my eating plan of 8 months has caused. My cholesterol is 156 (drop of about 75 points)and I am not in the pre-diabetic range for glucose. I received a personal note from my doctor acknowledging how great this is. I took one of those "tests" online "What is Your True Age ?" and mine is 39!! In addition to how much my appearance has changed, living the structured plan of eating and using the tools of OA-H.O.W. is adding years to my life. It has been so painless and stress-free. I am so grateful.

Self Will/God's Will

...praying only for knowledge of God's will for us and the power to carry that out. Step 11

This is a tall order for me. I pray for all kinds of things I want or want to happen. I am afraid to pray for God's will because I hate to be told no. I have a hard time accepting God's will because I have a hard time believing God loves me and wants what's best for me and others. I have always thought I know what is best for me and for others. The proof that is not true is obvious, so I probably should stop praying for my will to be done! There is so much more peace for me if I let God do the work, so I can rest. Having played God, I know it is exhausting and the more I don't do it, the better I feel. I can't fix situations, convince others to do what I think is best, or make others change. It is so much more peaceful if I give it all to my Higher Power, so I can keep busy doing the things I am to do: be abstinent, use the tools of my program, and be kind & loving. And from my favorite Bible verse: "...Do justice, love mercy, and walk humbly with my God." Micah 6:8.

Weigh-in Day

June 1 was weigh-in day and I have lost 5.5 more pounds for a total of 50.5. I am now very close to entering the range for my ideal weight. I cannot believe this. I have a doctor appointment to establish the my goal weight, but even to be near the range is a miracle. I haven't weighed this little for more than a minute in 45 years! And I am guaranteed that I will maintain this weight, if I follow my HOW program and remain abstinent.

Facing Fear

My friend was experiencing fear about her food addiction recovery program and her sponsor said: "when we're doing this on our own...there is lots to be afraid of. When we're doing this with our Higher Power...you don't need to be afraid of anything." I want to remind myself everyday of this wonderfully profound and simple truth. When I get all wrapped up in being afraid I want to remind myself that I could not do this alone and I am not doing this alone.

I am overwhelmed and humbled with my gratitude for this program, my sponsor and my Higher Power. That it really is "progress not perfection." That I am understood, my addiction is understood, and recovery is understood and passed on in a tangible everyday way. This week I had a series of events related to my weight loss surgery and being unable to eat. In my fear, I did not contact my sponsor right away. Her first reaction was one of "rules being broken" and I was in such a state of despair, physical and psychic pain, and confusion. My actions were based on fear; fear of not being understood, fear of making mistakes, fear from the well-learned message of the need to always take care of myself, fear of my sponsor's reactions.

My sponsor sought counsel about the issues involved and told me that "as a rule gal, she reacts from a place of fear, and it comes across as anger." She made amends to me for frightening me and worked out all the issues involved and we made a plan together for dealing with this when it happens. She sought accurate information about my anatomical changes and what needs to be done when this happens, without judgment of me. I felt so loved and cared for, so affirmed, and so relieved!

I have grace all around me and it is stunning! The 12-Steps as a program of recovery are profound and divinely inspired and having them modeled in a tangible way everyday is pure grace.

Service - Step 12

Recently I was asked to be the speaker and share "my story" at an OA meeting. I have shared my story once before, so I was less nervous this time. Sitting at the table, looking out at the faces in the group while simultaneously hearing the readings, I had a profound experience. As I saw the feelings appear on the faces of the people in the group; sadness, hopelessness, despair, joy, hopefulness , I realized completely that I was just another tool in the H.O.W. program. My job was to share my experience, strength and hope and my HP could use my service in whatever way needed; I need not worry or be nervous or even try to say the "right thing." I was moved and humbled by this epiphany.