Happiness - Where did you go?

Back to the first promise in the Big Book of AA..."you will know a new freedom & a new happiness." I have been joyful and happy all day today. The weather is gorgeous and I am leaving for sunnier climes tomorrow for 10 days! I have been laughing and smiling and it is infectious. What I thought today is: where did all my natural effervescence and joy go? Where has it been? How did I lose it?

I have always been a sunny girl and a happy person, but somewhere along the way that true nature of mine has gone, replaced by a underlying melancholy and I have become a serious person who laughs too little and does not make the world a brighter place. As I reflect on this, it has to do with my food addiction taking over and the despair and hopelessness I felt. It is also heavily influenced by the sadness I feel for my children and the hard roads their adult lives have taken; the deep despair, with little respite, that I feel over their addiction and mental health problems; the difficulties they are enduring in all areas of their lives. My dreams for my children were shattered long ago. I came into recovery heart-broken over this.

Now that I am in recovery and working my own steps, I have experienced a new freedom and I am finding a new happiness and my old happiness. As I am able to turn my children over to my Higher Power I am finding my joy again. How much more useful I am to those around me. I can walk in the sunlight of the spirit and share my joy.

I welcome back my genuine effervescence! Living is delightful.

When It Is Difficult To Be Loving

"My Creator, I ask that you show me the way of patience, tolerance, kindliness, and love."
Big Book of AA p.83

There are people with whom it is so easy to give these responses to and times when it is so easy to have these responses. It is the people who "rub me the wrong way" or who are offensive or clueless where I see the very worst in myself. These are the people that try me. Or the times when I am "on my last nerve" or am too stressed or stretched myself that I don't act in these ways towards others, even those I love. This is when I need to rely on my Higher Power and seek help to be the person my Higher Power would want me to be. Not when it is easy to be loving, kind, tolerant, and patient ---but the times when it is not. Those are also the times it is the hardest to pray and ask for help, so the discipline of praying and asking for help always becomes the best way to live every day of life, so the Spirit can flow in and through me. I seek to walk in the sunlight of the Spirit.

The Promises

"We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.
We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.
We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace.
No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others.
That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear.
We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.
Self-seeking will slip away.
Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.
Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us.
We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.
We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves. "
Big Book of AA pp. 83,84

There was a time I would have thought these were lofty and unattainable promises and in my snottiest voice would have said; "yeah, right." My second thought would be; "well, maybe for someone else..." Now that I have been working the 12 Steps for 8 months I have seen these promises manifesting in my life; "some quickly, some slowly" but mine nevertheless. I have seen my OA fellows genuinely and generously showing they have these traits. I have experienced over and over again that my Higher Power is doing for me what I could not do for myself. I am grateful.

Forgiveness

One more thing
Forgiveness.
In its absence
We, so prone to mistakes,
The hasty tongue
The snap to judgment
Expectations set and
Disappointment living in our house.
Wanting
thwarting loving
Standing in the way of receiving.
All that we crave
Deepest longing
Balm that soothes and eases.
Provided by forgiving
Those who have let us down
And ourselves.
For those we have let down.
That most allusive and
Necessary essence
The connection to the soul of another
And to our own.

C.A.

"We gratefully follow in the footsteps of many others who have walked this way before us, and we are gratified to be making footprints of our own for others to follow." 12 & 12 of OA p. 106

It is a glorious spring day and I am reflective, happy. My OA HOW meeting last night filled me. I am awed by those fellows I am following; their gift of time, wisdom and love- freely given. What the Big Book calls "experience, strength and hope." I am now inviting others to follow our path and it is a humble experience, not the ego-trip it would once have been. I pray I can freely give of my time and be open to loving my fellows and those who are still suffering.

"One Day At A Time"

I said to one of my fellow OAs today, "I wish it was Wednesday so I could go to my meeting tonight." She said, "keep that up and you will miss all of today." (thank you for that--what a gift my fellows are to me)

I often do this living in the future and am not living one day at a time. For weeks I have been longing for spring, now it has arrived (finally) and I am thinking about summer - when we can open the pool and I can be in it! If I continue this way, I will lose every glorious spring day just waiting for summer. I have done this much of the time. Looking forward to and planning for events--while losing the the day I am in and the opportunity to find the "event" in this day.

Today is the present--unwrap it with joy!

Choices

The question gets raised,"how can you have your birthday and Easter celebrations and not eat all the wonderful food, cake, etc...?" I admit it may seem a little odd to bring my own food to such a big meal. The question I ask myself is, "what would I rather have; health, vitality, sanity, and the appearance I want OR eating all the food I want? The choice seems very straightforward and understandable to me and shouldn't really pose a threat to anyone, right? Besides, I have eaten birthday cakes and all that food many, many times before and I am not missing anything. And I don't feel sick from over-eating. I like my choices. I have true freedom.

Judgments

"...and the ill will which poisoned our hearts for years is washed away." OA 12 & 12 p. 75

As I read this I thought, "but I have no ill will..." Then I was pulled up short thinking about all the negative judgments I have made of people all my life, if that is not ill will, then what is? How much more mean and selfish could I be than sharing so many judgments about everyone I profess to love? To erode wonderful relationships by gossip? In my conversation with my Higher Power I say, " I have tried and tried to stop being judgmental and have failed miserably." And my Higher Power says to me, " Give it to me and I will fill your heart with so much love there will be no room left for judgments."

Since asking my Higher Power to help me show love and affection more easily, I have often felt surrounded by and filled with love. I have felt the light of the Spirit and want to share it with others, want to be of service to others, and want my heart to be so filled with love there is no room for judgment, negativity, doubt, fear, or pride. So be it.

A Prayer

Journeying God,

pitch your tent with mine

so that I may not become deterred

by hardship, strangeness, doubt.

Show me the movement I must make

toward a wealth not dependent on possessions,

toward a wisdom not based on books,

toward a strength not bolstered by might,

toward a God not confined to heaven.

Help me to find myself

as I walk in other's shoes.

(Prayer song from Ghana, traditional, translator unknown)

This was a perfect prayer for today. At my OA HOW meeting last night I was able to walk in other's shoes as I listened to their stories and saw a fellow-sufferer hear the message for the first time and get hope. It is a room filled with love and I am learning to give and receive love and affection in a whole new way. And I am gaining wealth, wisdom, and strength. I am grateful.

Life On Life's Terms - part 2

"And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation--some fact of my life unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God's world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism (food addiction), I could not stay sober (abstinent). Unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and my attitudes. BB p. 417 (italics mine)

God,
my children's addictions and mental health issues, my brother's terminal illness, my brother's estranged children, my inability to give and receive love and affection fearlessly, the speed and amount of my weight loss, my sister's conflict with her daughter, our need for couple support--all these things are exactly the way they are supposed to be at this moment. I accept this today, one day at a time, and I will focus on what needs to change in me and my attitudes. Thy will be done.

Whispers In My Ear

My "addict" has been whispering in my ear, softly and oh so reasonably. "You would feel less sad if you could lose weight faster." (that old remedy of mine) "You could skip some of the food from each meal, and no one would know, and you could lose weight faster." (defiant & just a teeny, tiny lie) "You will get more attention if you get to your goal weight and you will feel so much better." (external validation and pride as the means to sooth the ego) "You don't really need to eat so much food anyway." (the set-up in place for that first compulsive bite and the spiral that follows)

My recovering self, connected to my Higher Power, comes to the rescue. "Pray, read, write, talk to your sponsor, talk to your fellows, don't believe your addict lies. Your weight is none of your business, following your plan is your business. Those old solutions did not take away or soothe your sadness."

God, I am standing at the turning point right now. Give me your protection and care as I abandon myself to you and give up my old ways and my old ideas, just for today. Big Book

"Life On Life's Terms"

So I’m better off if I don’t give advice, don’t figure I know what’s best, and just accept life on life’s terms, as it is today–especially my own life, as it actually is. Big Book p. 450

Today is a struggle to accept my life on life's terms. My sweet brother is gravely ill. Though clean and sober for 4 years, his liver failure was caused from his addiction to alcohol. Visiting him in the ICU is so hard. He cries and talks about how much he loves all of us and then I cry. I know he needs to be feeling all these feelings, and I am being with him through it. Then we laugh a while at memories and then we cry again. Today he talked about our Mom a lot -- just put me into a puddle. He is asking for everyone's forgiveness for "everything he put us through." I continue to pray for my own strength to be of service to him and keep doing "what we do" to follow my program. I am so thankful I have my abstinence and my program during this time, or I would be of no service to anyone. I would be raging in my own addiction, eating to medicate my feelings. He said through his tears today, "I thank God for you everyday, my angel." My gift to him is a direct result of my own program of recovery and I thank God everyday for that.

Who Is Running The Show?

“We constantly remind ourselves we are no longer running the show, humbly saying to ourselves many times each day “Thy will be done.” We are then in much less danger of excitement, fear, anger, worry, self-pity, or foolish decisions. We do not tire so easily, for we are not burning up energy foolishly as we did when we were trying to arrange life to suit ourselves.” Big Book pp. 87. 88.

I have to remind myself many times throughout the day that I must resign from running the show and let my Higher Power have that job. This week-end I was exhausted from fear & worry over things I cannot control. My sponsor lovingly reminded me of the things I can control: following my program and seeking my Higher Power's will for me.

I pray that my fear of ___ be removed and my attention be focused to being who you would have me to be today. May thy will and not mine be done. Big Book p. 68.

"Lookism"

I don't like admitting it but I am thinking about my weight a lot again. I haven't been like this for a while, but now that I am 19.0 lbs. from my goal weight of 130 lbs., I am just too aware of it, and eager to get there. It seems so close! OAs often say: "you just follow your program--the weight is none of your business." I am trying to adopt this attitude and I am telling myself this all the time. Part of it is curiosity--what will it really be like to be that weight, what size will I be, and how will I look? What clothes will I buy? I am what they used to call a "clothes horse" and now maybe a fashionista...though I don't really have a personal style and am not into being "in style". Part of this obsessing is because I have cleaned out my closet and have a ton of stuff to consign again and I have no summer clothes that fit. I don't want to buy any until I am at my goal weight, but I will have to.

I am very aware of my vanity and how important looks are in my family of origin. Ironic though, that looks are so important and yet so many of us are overweight--maybe that is why how we look, dress, our hair, etc became so important--as a compensation for our obesity. As I think about this, many of the things I did were a compensation--see how nice I am, what a good worker I am, how talented I am, how pretty I can be....maybe then you will ignore how overweight I am. This led to having a false sense of self and a focus on me, me, me. This will take some dismantling---it will be curious to see who I turn out to really be. This is really a journey into uncharted territory. And as with most adventures, exhilarating and frightening.

"Elbees" (lbs.)

First day of each month--weigh day. I gave away 3.5 lbs. in the past month making my total in OA HOW 42.5 lbs and 102.5 lbs. down from my highest weight. When I came to the rooms of OA HOW in Sept, 2009, I had one purpose: to lose weight. I am succeeding in the physical recovery one day at a time. What I have learned in the rooms is that my emotional and spiritual recovery are equally as important to my physical recovery and it is my spiritual recovery that keeps me abstinent.

We will see that our new attitude towards food has been given us without any thought or effort on our part. It just comes! That is the miracle of it. We are not fighting it, neither are we avoiding temptation. We feel as though we have been placed in a position of neutrality--safe and protected. We have not even sworn off, instead the problem has been removed. It does not exist for us. We are neither cocky nor are we afraid. That is our experience. That is how we react so long as we keep in fit spiritual condition. Big Book p. 85