Addiction is Addiction is Addiction.....

I have maintainted my weight loss until the last 6 weeks. I am relapsing into sugar and see how out of control it makes me. I have been here before. I know what I MUST do and will do it. I must follow my food plan and abstain from sugar. I will lose the 6 pounds I have gained and be happy and free.
We joined the YMCA and want to focus on fitness, too. My 2014 goals are: increase strength, stamina, and agility.
So much has happened since I last posted. I will fill that in later.

Those still suffering....

Everywhere around me I see folks suffering from the disease of compulsive overeating and food addiction. Members of my family, friends, co-workers, adults and children - people everywhere. I see so many people who have also had weight loss surgery and are completely demoralized from gaining the lost weight back plus more; just like I was. Hopeless people. Sad people. People just like me. People who will do everything to lose weight; and gaining weight back. I recently heard of the latest fad; intentionally getting tapeworms so one can eat with abandon and lose weight. And people think the structure and discipline of the HOW program is crazy?!?

What can I do? Follow my program of abstinence and be able to share the message. Pray for others. Be grateful I found the solution when I was ready to hear it. Doesn't seem like enough but it is what I can do. I need to remain humble. This is a challenge because I so often get smug and self-righteous.

Mental Obsession

3. Read Step 1. Discuss the mental obsession that precedes that first compulsive bite. D & R upon the idea that obsessing about anything leads to compulsive eating.

This question hit me smack in the face and at first I didn’t get it. I never realized that that obsessing about anything leads to compulsive over-eating. So I re-read Step One and tried to find the answer. Of course, it is right there in the unmanageability section.

We didn’t realize how much we had damaged ourselves and others by trying to manage every detail of life. We must get daily treatment for it. The daily treatment must include turning our day over to our HP and giving up managing and obsessing about life. I do obsess about things sometimes; my home and the condition it is in, the décor, entertaining, shopping, clothes, money, my kids, what other people think. This is talking about any mental obsession. This is eye-opening for me.

I was saying I don’t obsess about food. Then I stopped to think about this. I was thinking this meant obsessing about a particular individual food which would lead to compulsively eating that food. I rarely do that.
BUT
I do obsess about food: buying food, the price of food, using coupons, where to get it, what to serve guests, how to make food taste great, preparing food, storing food, etc. I think about all of this a lot.

Looking at obsessing in this light is going to be a big process for me.

Spiritual Condition = Continued Recovery

"How many times have I fallen for the mistaken notion that after a few days or months of successful eating and living, I can again take charge of my life? I have learned the hard way, by successive relapse and humiliations, that no matter how much better I look, and act, and feel, my Higher Power must always be in charge of my life. My continued recovery depends on the continual maintenance and growth of my spiritual condition."
O.A. Voices of Recovery p.129

I had a call from an OA and I mentioned my sponsor had suggested I get a new sponsor. The OA said, "I just got an opening." This was a direct HP thing. This sponsor seems perfect for me. Lots of experience with abstinence and she does not play God and "preach" and she is not wishy-washy. I read her the previous blog and my food history. I came clean with her and began anew. I feel so much better following a clean program. Not perfection- but progress.

I need to read the quote above everyday. Otherwise I began to listen to my disease's voice---and that leads to demoralization and hopelessness.

Reading

I have:

1. AA Big Book


2. AA 12 Steps & 12 Traditions


3. Overeater's Anonymous 12 Steps & 12 Traditions


4. The Thin Books: Daily Strategies & Meditations for Fat-Free, Guilt-Free, Binge-Free Living


5. Voices of Recovery; Overeater's Anonymous


6. Bill Says

"I can do this on my own now"

"We have bad news for you, if you take that first compulsive bite..."

The inevitable happened. I am an addict. In May of 2010, I decided I no longer needed the discipline of the H.O.W. program, and guaranteed to my spouse, my sponsor and others that if I was "in trouble" I would know it and get right back into H.O.W. I did wonderfully until Christmastime, 2010. I took that first compulsive bite of holiday treats I was making. No problem until about a week later and I did it again--only more bites this time. If you know compulsive over-eating, you know it wasn't long until I was eating "goodies" compulsively. After the holidays, I stopped the compulsive sugar-eating and carried on. I did not measure "exactly." I did not follow my plan exactly. I went to Palm Springs and "managed" my own eating.

My addict-self crept in on me and eventually/inevitably I began eating cereal for my morning carb again. I began adding a bit more and a bit more until my portion was doubled, more than doubled. To offset this, I didn't eat some of my other morning food, like my fat and protein and dairy....playing with my food plan.

In March, 2011 I finally told myself the truth, as I watched myself get entirely out-of-control with the cereal, skipping foods, and eating compulsively. I found a nearby H.O.W. meeting and began going again. It took me a few weeks to find a sponsor. She happened to be very nice (wishy-washy) and this worked into my addiction beautifully. I "committed" my food to her, read my assignments to her and made a half-hearted attempt at following the program. I went to the meetings, called her and wrote answers. I did not make phone calls. I did not do any reading. I did not tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I "tried" to follow my food plan and would tell myself every night that "tomorrow I will stop eating cereal", follow my food plan, and every morning I would eat the cereal. Again. I find that I am hungry/craving often, and I never was before this relapse.

I am still slim (fooling everyone and myself), but I have gained about 10 pounds. (from 105 to 115 pounds). This is tricky because everyone had been telling me I was too thin, "so what's a few pounds?" I think about my weight constantly. Deep down I feel scared to death and as though I already weigh 200 pounds. My mind is no longer my own and I am obsessing.

My sponsor became ill and said I should probably find a new sponsor. She is very apologetic for her unreliability. (the unreliability that I love!) This has caused me to look at myself honestly. I have to USE THE TOOLS. I went to the half-price bookstore and bought some books to read. I found my blog and am writing. I am determined to get back to the place I was in in my previous posts. Actually, I won't be in that place; I will be in a new, more wise place. (hopefully.)

So I am writing this and I know I must share it my spouse and others. I have to "come clean" and get truly abstinent. I am afraid of this. I may need to see my dietitian to revise my plan to lose the weight I have put on. I have to find a new, more demanding and committed sponsor. I may need 2 meetings per week.

For today:
I am reading books and writing this.
I must find a new sponsor who holds me accountable.
I must start seeking help outside of myself.
I can commit to these steps today.

I put my hand in yours and together we do what we could never do alone.
No longer a sense of hopelessness,
No longer must we each depend upon our own unsteady willpower.
We are all together now
Reaching out our hand
For a power and strength greater than ours
And as we join hands
We find love and understanding beyond our wildest dreams.

This is the prayer of the Roseanne, the founder of OA 50 years ago. What a year 2009 has been with the amazing miracle of recovery. My 2010 prayer for you is health, serenity and joy!

"In The Mirror"

If you have been reading my blog you know that during my significant weight loss, I discovered self-image and body perception issues, as well as little confidence in choosing flattering, well-fitting and quality clothing to create an entire new wardrobe. I have been studying everything I could learn to help me create a quality new wardrobe on a budget. I have visited thrift and consignment stores throughout the Twin Cities and created a fabulous new wardrobe. Friends, family and colleagues noticed and began to ask me for assistance to edit and organize their closets and shopping with them to create their perfect wardrobes. They have been delighted with the results and told their friends and so “In The Mirror” was born.

My new endeavor, “In The Mirror” offers self-image and style workshops, closet-editing, style mentoring and guided shopping trips. The first workshop is scheduled for January 30, 2010 at the Comfort Inn and Suites in Woodbury. The cost is $50.00. I f you would like more information about the workshop or my personal services contact me at: inthemirror@comcast.net
The available slots are filling up fast, so contact me soon if you are interested! I 'd love to work with you.

Maintenance

I am now maintaining my weight at 114-118 pounds that represents about a 140 pound weight loss- 77 pounds in the H.O.W. Program. It is a whole new life (!) and way of living to be slender and to be incorporating the 12-Steps into my life. It is especially noticeable to me at Christmastime. I am not food-centered! This is an amazing thing. Multiple events with tables full of every kind of food imaginable, including those holiday cookies, candies, and chocolate--and I don't react at all. But it is about far more than food- I have time and energy to focus on people in a whole new way. I am moving away from being judgmental. I make apologies quickly for errors I make. I am forgiving far sooner and more often than ever before. I am a better listener. I am a better spouse, sister, aunt, mother, grandmother, friend, and co-worker. I make a daily inventory to help me on focus on MY character defects and not everyone elses. Miraculous changes.

I am no where near perfect at any of this and I struggle to be the person my Higher Power wants me to be--and yet, for the first time in my life, I am focused on keeping "a fit spiritual condition." All of us compulsive over-eaters in H.O.W. know that we are but one compulsive bite away from relapse and that our abstinence is based on maintaining a fit spiritual condition. "One bite is too many and a thousand bites is not enough."

I am grateful this Holiday season and looking forward to 2010 and all that it brings to me. I wish all of you the best.

Goal Weight

Today I am at my goal weight of 115 pounds. I still struggle with realizing how slim and trim I am. I am getting closer to knowing that I am truly quite petite. It is so foreign to me, an alien concept. I am down 137 pounds from my top weight and 77 pounds since joining HOW in the fall of 2008. It seems like magic, but it is not. It is the result of doing what I cannot do on my own (following a food plan, learning to live by the 12 steps) one day at a time, and then doing it the next day.

I still wish every person I know who is struggling with food, eating, and weight issues could know the simple pleasure of "putting your food in a cup" and living right-sized.

Bondage

I had an image at the OA Convention of bondage. I was duct-taped to chair (it could be ropes or chains for that matter) and struggling and wriggling to get free. I could not get myself free regardless of how I tried. I was only freed when someone else came and cut the tape and set me free. My bondage to food and to self are like that, too. Only a power outside of myself can come and set me free.

I am so grateful to be free today. One day at a time.

Are you a compulsive overeater?

Are You a Compulsive Overeater?

Do you eat when you’re not hungry?
Do you go on eating binges for no apparent reason?
Do you have feelings of guilt and remorse after overeating?
Do you give too much time and thought to food?
Do you look forward with pleasure and anticipation to the time when you can eat alone?
Do you plan these secret binges ahead of time?
Do you eat sensibly before others and make up for it alone?
Is your weight affecting the way you live your life?
Have you tried to diet for a week (or longer), only to fall short of your goal?
Do you resent others telling you to “use a little willpower” to stop overeating?
Despite evidence to the contrary, have you continued to assert that you can diet “on your own” whenever you wish?
Do you crave to eat at a definite time, day or night, other than mealtime?
Do you eat to escape from worries or trouble?
Have you ever been treated for obesity or a food-related condition?
Does your eating behavior make you or others unhappy?

Have you answered yes to three or more of these questions? If so, it is probable that you have or are well on your way to having a compulsive eating problem. We have found that the way to arrest this progressive disease is to practice the Twelve-Step recovery program of Overeaters Anonymous. Overeaters Anonymous is a fellowship of individuals who, through shared experience, strength and hope, are recovering from compulsive overeating. We welcome everyone who wants to stop eating compulsively. There are no dues or fees for members; we are self-supporting through our own contributions, neither soliciting nor accepting outside donations. OA is not affiliated with any public or private organization, political movement, ideology or religious doctrine; we take no position on outside issues. Our primary purpose is to abstain from compulsive overeating and to carry this message of recovery to those who still suffer.

OA Convention 2009

I have just returned home from the convention at the Hotel Sofitel in the Twin Cities, MN. It was a jammed-packed week-end (overwhelming at times!) and I will be sharing what I learned in the posts to follow. 421 compulsive over-eaters and food addicts sharing their experience, strength, and hope is a life-changing event. There were people there from all over the country and we were not "a glum lot!"

I was so blessed to be there with my sponsor, my sponsee, those who have helped me on my journey, and those I am helping. "We help each other." I met and talked with as many fellows as I could. I listened and learned from speakers on the 12 Steps and Traditions of Alcoholics Anonymous, the basis of the Overeater's Anonymous program of recovery.

If I gave you my card at the convention and you are visiting my blog for the 1st time, welcome!
It could be helpful for you to go the first post and read forward, so you will know the story of my journey.

One Year Of Abstinence

It is a miracle and I am in awe. I have had 1 year of abstinence, one day at a time. I began at 191.5 pounds in Sept. 2008. I began back-to back abstinence on Nov. 1, 2008. I weighed-in on Nov. 1, 2009 at 118 pounds. I have gone from a size 18-20 to a size 0-2. But more than the physical changes, I have changed emotionally and spiritually. It is difficult to explain all the ways the 12 Step program has affected me. I have begun to experience a spiritual awakening that makes me excited about the journey I am on. My emotions of sadness, low-self-esteem, anger and resentment no longer rule my life. I am so grateful to Overeater's Anonymous-H.O.W. and its abstinent members for guiding me and teaching me. The love I have received is amazing.

On November 4 my group celebrated my 1 year birthday. It was fun and I felt so cared for and accepted. The cards and gifts I received were beautiful and unexpected. I am also grateful for my spouse, Deanna and my son, Paul for celebrating that night with me and for their continual ongoing support and love. I am blessed.

If you are reading this and are concerned about your problem with food, there is solution "beyond your wildest dreams." There are people who know your pain and who will offer assistance to you. Reach out, someone will be there to take your hand.

Food Addiction, the Disease

"An illness of this sort, and we have come to believe it is an illness---involves those about us in a way no other human sickness can." AA Big Book Page 18

Right now we live in a culture that is obsessed with being thin and with hundreds of weight-loss ideas and programs that promise to help us achieve thinness. It is a nationally growing problem that Americans are gaining weight at an ever-growing rate. It seems that many reputable and not-so-reputable sources are researching and/or offering solutions for the symptoms, and very few are considering the source of the disease. It seems obvious that the brain's reaction to certain foods set up the "allergy of the body and the obsession of the mind" that is described so well in the Big Book.

It is a source of frustration for me that so many people are suffering so with this disease and don't know the solution. Denial and delusion are key components of the disease. Also, so many people seem afraid to approach their weight loss in this way. I know I didn't embrace this addiction model until I had exhausted every other approach to weight loss and after spending thousands of dollars.

And as the quote says, our disease and its ramification affects everyone around us.

I pray if you read this blog and need to deal with your weight issues, you will consider the OA - HOW program, so you, too, can be free.

One Year

"I couldn't understand myself. I was intensely unhappy the whole time, but I didn't seem to be able to do anything about it, and the worst part to me was the realization that all this was going to happen again and again until I died. I couldn't see that there was any way out of it, and I got absolutely despairing. My only hope was to try and get through what was left of life as best I could, but I could never visualize doing that without drinking (compulsive overeating). The thought of stopping drinking (compulsive overeating) just never occurred to me."
Big Book (Third Edition) p.522

I had lost such large amounts of weight so many times and gained it all back so many times that I really did not see how it could end. I finally seemed to just accept this was the way I was and no weight-loss program would ever work for me to have long term maintenance. Hadn't I proved that over and over? Self-will programs just did not work. When, in desperation, I went to an OA-HOW meeting, I heard for the first time that I have a disease that only a power great than myself can solve. I heard for the first time that I am an addict who reaches for food as the first response to life. I saw for the first time that about 90% of the people in the room were at goal weight and had been maintaining that weight for many years. For the first time I had an answer, a solution, hope for change, tools to use, and supportive fellows to help me.

And now, just about one year later, I have lost 65 + pounds, have gone from a size 18-20 to a size 0-2, but more significantly, except for possible disease-related weight loss or gain, I know I will maintain this weight for the rest of my life. Some people would question how I can know that, and to them I say: because I know my disease now and everyday I live my life to prevent the first compulsive bite. I accept 100% that I cannot ever presume I can eat like a normal person. This is such freedom!

It's Not Magic- But It Is A Miracle

This expresses exactly how I feel about my recovery and my weight loss. There is no magic to it, really. If you follow a food plan that provides fewer calories than you expend, you will lose weight. Scientific construct. The miracle is that I have been able to follow the food plan, that I have the program in place that enables me to do this, after a lifetime of not being able to do this. The program in place provides everything I need: guidance, support, education, accountability, encouragement, lifelong recovery- and above all, the understanding that I must rely on a power greater than myself to do this. My self is what got me into the state I was in, my higher power is what got me out. How can I ever express the gratitude I feel for the miracle of the H.O.W. program?

Acceptance

"And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes."
Big Book of AA

I have to acknowledge that I have spent much of my time focusing on the changes that need to be made in the world. There have been so many "isms" to correct! I have also dissected and discussed all manner of the ills of others and things that have not gone the way I want them to in life. This segment from the Big Book pulls me up short and forces me to face the truth: my efforts need to be focused on my attitudes and my behaviors; those things that my HP and I can change together. I cannot have both recovery and this outwardly focused selfish attitude of wanting things to be the way I think they should be --today I must choose.

Spiritual Growth & Recovery

Today I was speaking with some of my Muslim friends. This is their month of fasting and they shared some of the benefits of their practice and how it allows for spiritual growth. I realized that by "putting my food in cup" I was also allowing for spiritual growth, much like fasting. As I learned about Islam from them, they learned about the the 12 Steps from me. The similarities were very interesting for us to note.

I have noticed that many of my blogs lately are about my physical recovery, but I do not want to minimize the phenomenal emotional and spiritual growth I am experiencing. This 3-fold program is divinely inspired. I wish I could make everyone see it and be fearless enough to jump in, but alas, that is God's work not mine.

Reaching Goal

I have reached the goal of 125 pounds that my doctor originally set for me! This cannot be real. I now weigh one half of my top weight. As I visualize carrying myself on my back I can see what was happening to my knees, hips, back, and breathing. I am beyond able to express my awe and gratitude at this miracle and now all I can do is carry the message to other sufferers in any way I can. My doctor says I can continue losing until my body naturally stops losing, but no lower than 115 pounds. I recently bought a new pair of jeans size 0. I am not trying to brag about this, but share it to express how amazing the HOW program is! I have never lost below 140 pounds on any of my self-will weight loss methods. I have allowed my body to get to the right weight it is meant to carry on my frame. Size 0-2 right now.

I have to admit to being a fashionista! I love trying on new clothes, trying new styles, and seeking those things that I want to wear, not those things that I can fit into. Since I have no clothes in my size for fall and winter this has meant quite a lot of shopping and I am becoming a bargain fashionista. I know all the best places to find quality clothing at a fraction of the cost. Even my shoe size has changed! I love to help people shop and wish someone would seek my help. I am trying to spread the word about this. I have accepted that I am a fashionista and that it does not equate to being shallow. The promises are coming true.