"In The Mirror"

If you have been reading my blog you know that during my significant weight loss, I discovered self-image and body perception issues, as well as little confidence in choosing flattering, well-fitting and quality clothing to create an entire new wardrobe. I have been studying everything I could learn to help me create a quality new wardrobe on a budget. I have visited thrift and consignment stores throughout the Twin Cities and created a fabulous new wardrobe. Friends, family and colleagues noticed and began to ask me for assistance to edit and organize their closets and shopping with them to create their perfect wardrobes. They have been delighted with the results and told their friends and so “In The Mirror” was born.

My new endeavor, “In The Mirror” offers self-image and style workshops, closet-editing, style mentoring and guided shopping trips. The first workshop is scheduled for January 30, 2010 at the Comfort Inn and Suites in Woodbury. The cost is $50.00. I f you would like more information about the workshop or my personal services contact me at: inthemirror@comcast.net
The available slots are filling up fast, so contact me soon if you are interested! I 'd love to work with you.

Maintenance

I am now maintaining my weight at 114-118 pounds that represents about a 140 pound weight loss- 77 pounds in the H.O.W. Program. It is a whole new life (!) and way of living to be slender and to be incorporating the 12-Steps into my life. It is especially noticeable to me at Christmastime. I am not food-centered! This is an amazing thing. Multiple events with tables full of every kind of food imaginable, including those holiday cookies, candies, and chocolate--and I don't react at all. But it is about far more than food- I have time and energy to focus on people in a whole new way. I am moving away from being judgmental. I make apologies quickly for errors I make. I am forgiving far sooner and more often than ever before. I am a better listener. I am a better spouse, sister, aunt, mother, grandmother, friend, and co-worker. I make a daily inventory to help me on focus on MY character defects and not everyone elses. Miraculous changes.

I am no where near perfect at any of this and I struggle to be the person my Higher Power wants me to be--and yet, for the first time in my life, I am focused on keeping "a fit spiritual condition." All of us compulsive over-eaters in H.O.W. know that we are but one compulsive bite away from relapse and that our abstinence is based on maintaining a fit spiritual condition. "One bite is too many and a thousand bites is not enough."

I am grateful this Holiday season and looking forward to 2010 and all that it brings to me. I wish all of you the best.

Goal Weight

Today I am at my goal weight of 115 pounds. I still struggle with realizing how slim and trim I am. I am getting closer to knowing that I am truly quite petite. It is so foreign to me, an alien concept. I am down 137 pounds from my top weight and 77 pounds since joining HOW in the fall of 2008. It seems like magic, but it is not. It is the result of doing what I cannot do on my own (following a food plan, learning to live by the 12 steps) one day at a time, and then doing it the next day.

I still wish every person I know who is struggling with food, eating, and weight issues could know the simple pleasure of "putting your food in a cup" and living right-sized.

Bondage

I had an image at the OA Convention of bondage. I was duct-taped to chair (it could be ropes or chains for that matter) and struggling and wriggling to get free. I could not get myself free regardless of how I tried. I was only freed when someone else came and cut the tape and set me free. My bondage to food and to self are like that, too. Only a power outside of myself can come and set me free.

I am so grateful to be free today. One day at a time.

Are you a compulsive overeater?

Are You a Compulsive Overeater?

Do you eat when you’re not hungry?
Do you go on eating binges for no apparent reason?
Do you have feelings of guilt and remorse after overeating?
Do you give too much time and thought to food?
Do you look forward with pleasure and anticipation to the time when you can eat alone?
Do you plan these secret binges ahead of time?
Do you eat sensibly before others and make up for it alone?
Is your weight affecting the way you live your life?
Have you tried to diet for a week (or longer), only to fall short of your goal?
Do you resent others telling you to “use a little willpower” to stop overeating?
Despite evidence to the contrary, have you continued to assert that you can diet “on your own” whenever you wish?
Do you crave to eat at a definite time, day or night, other than mealtime?
Do you eat to escape from worries or trouble?
Have you ever been treated for obesity or a food-related condition?
Does your eating behavior make you or others unhappy?

Have you answered yes to three or more of these questions? If so, it is probable that you have or are well on your way to having a compulsive eating problem. We have found that the way to arrest this progressive disease is to practice the Twelve-Step recovery program of Overeaters Anonymous. Overeaters Anonymous is a fellowship of individuals who, through shared experience, strength and hope, are recovering from compulsive overeating. We welcome everyone who wants to stop eating compulsively. There are no dues or fees for members; we are self-supporting through our own contributions, neither soliciting nor accepting outside donations. OA is not affiliated with any public or private organization, political movement, ideology or religious doctrine; we take no position on outside issues. Our primary purpose is to abstain from compulsive overeating and to carry this message of recovery to those who still suffer.

OA Convention 2009

I have just returned home from the convention at the Hotel Sofitel in the Twin Cities, MN. It was a jammed-packed week-end (overwhelming at times!) and I will be sharing what I learned in the posts to follow. 421 compulsive over-eaters and food addicts sharing their experience, strength, and hope is a life-changing event. There were people there from all over the country and we were not "a glum lot!"

I was so blessed to be there with my sponsor, my sponsee, those who have helped me on my journey, and those I am helping. "We help each other." I met and talked with as many fellows as I could. I listened and learned from speakers on the 12 Steps and Traditions of Alcoholics Anonymous, the basis of the Overeater's Anonymous program of recovery.

If I gave you my card at the convention and you are visiting my blog for the 1st time, welcome!
It could be helpful for you to go the first post and read forward, so you will know the story of my journey.

One Year Of Abstinence

It is a miracle and I am in awe. I have had 1 year of abstinence, one day at a time. I began at 191.5 pounds in Sept. 2008. I began back-to back abstinence on Nov. 1, 2008. I weighed-in on Nov. 1, 2009 at 118 pounds. I have gone from a size 18-20 to a size 0-2. But more than the physical changes, I have changed emotionally and spiritually. It is difficult to explain all the ways the 12 Step program has affected me. I have begun to experience a spiritual awakening that makes me excited about the journey I am on. My emotions of sadness, low-self-esteem, anger and resentment no longer rule my life. I am so grateful to Overeater's Anonymous-H.O.W. and its abstinent members for guiding me and teaching me. The love I have received is amazing.

On November 4 my group celebrated my 1 year birthday. It was fun and I felt so cared for and accepted. The cards and gifts I received were beautiful and unexpected. I am also grateful for my spouse, Deanna and my son, Paul for celebrating that night with me and for their continual ongoing support and love. I am blessed.

If you are reading this and are concerned about your problem with food, there is solution "beyond your wildest dreams." There are people who know your pain and who will offer assistance to you. Reach out, someone will be there to take your hand.

Food Addiction, the Disease

"An illness of this sort, and we have come to believe it is an illness---involves those about us in a way no other human sickness can." AA Big Book Page 18

Right now we live in a culture that is obsessed with being thin and with hundreds of weight-loss ideas and programs that promise to help us achieve thinness. It is a nationally growing problem that Americans are gaining weight at an ever-growing rate. It seems that many reputable and not-so-reputable sources are researching and/or offering solutions for the symptoms, and very few are considering the source of the disease. It seems obvious that the brain's reaction to certain foods set up the "allergy of the body and the obsession of the mind" that is described so well in the Big Book.

It is a source of frustration for me that so many people are suffering so with this disease and don't know the solution. Denial and delusion are key components of the disease. Also, so many people seem afraid to approach their weight loss in this way. I know I didn't embrace this addiction model until I had exhausted every other approach to weight loss and after spending thousands of dollars.

And as the quote says, our disease and its ramification affects everyone around us.

I pray if you read this blog and need to deal with your weight issues, you will consider the OA - HOW program, so you, too, can be free.

One Year

"I couldn't understand myself. I was intensely unhappy the whole time, but I didn't seem to be able to do anything about it, and the worst part to me was the realization that all this was going to happen again and again until I died. I couldn't see that there was any way out of it, and I got absolutely despairing. My only hope was to try and get through what was left of life as best I could, but I could never visualize doing that without drinking (compulsive overeating). The thought of stopping drinking (compulsive overeating) just never occurred to me."
Big Book (Third Edition) p.522

I had lost such large amounts of weight so many times and gained it all back so many times that I really did not see how it could end. I finally seemed to just accept this was the way I was and no weight-loss program would ever work for me to have long term maintenance. Hadn't I proved that over and over? Self-will programs just did not work. When, in desperation, I went to an OA-HOW meeting, I heard for the first time that I have a disease that only a power great than myself can solve. I heard for the first time that I am an addict who reaches for food as the first response to life. I saw for the first time that about 90% of the people in the room were at goal weight and had been maintaining that weight for many years. For the first time I had an answer, a solution, hope for change, tools to use, and supportive fellows to help me.

And now, just about one year later, I have lost 65 + pounds, have gone from a size 18-20 to a size 0-2, but more significantly, except for possible disease-related weight loss or gain, I know I will maintain this weight for the rest of my life. Some people would question how I can know that, and to them I say: because I know my disease now and everyday I live my life to prevent the first compulsive bite. I accept 100% that I cannot ever presume I can eat like a normal person. This is such freedom!

It's Not Magic- But It Is A Miracle

This expresses exactly how I feel about my recovery and my weight loss. There is no magic to it, really. If you follow a food plan that provides fewer calories than you expend, you will lose weight. Scientific construct. The miracle is that I have been able to follow the food plan, that I have the program in place that enables me to do this, after a lifetime of not being able to do this. The program in place provides everything I need: guidance, support, education, accountability, encouragement, lifelong recovery- and above all, the understanding that I must rely on a power greater than myself to do this. My self is what got me into the state I was in, my higher power is what got me out. How can I ever express the gratitude I feel for the miracle of the H.O.W. program?

Acceptance

"And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes."
Big Book of AA

I have to acknowledge that I have spent much of my time focusing on the changes that need to be made in the world. There have been so many "isms" to correct! I have also dissected and discussed all manner of the ills of others and things that have not gone the way I want them to in life. This segment from the Big Book pulls me up short and forces me to face the truth: my efforts need to be focused on my attitudes and my behaviors; those things that my HP and I can change together. I cannot have both recovery and this outwardly focused selfish attitude of wanting things to be the way I think they should be --today I must choose.

Spiritual Growth & Recovery

Today I was speaking with some of my Muslim friends. This is their month of fasting and they shared some of the benefits of their practice and how it allows for spiritual growth. I realized that by "putting my food in cup" I was also allowing for spiritual growth, much like fasting. As I learned about Islam from them, they learned about the the 12 Steps from me. The similarities were very interesting for us to note.

I have noticed that many of my blogs lately are about my physical recovery, but I do not want to minimize the phenomenal emotional and spiritual growth I am experiencing. This 3-fold program is divinely inspired. I wish I could make everyone see it and be fearless enough to jump in, but alas, that is God's work not mine.

Reaching Goal

I have reached the goal of 125 pounds that my doctor originally set for me! This cannot be real. I now weigh one half of my top weight. As I visualize carrying myself on my back I can see what was happening to my knees, hips, back, and breathing. I am beyond able to express my awe and gratitude at this miracle and now all I can do is carry the message to other sufferers in any way I can. My doctor says I can continue losing until my body naturally stops losing, but no lower than 115 pounds. I recently bought a new pair of jeans size 0. I am not trying to brag about this, but share it to express how amazing the HOW program is! I have never lost below 140 pounds on any of my self-will weight loss methods. I have allowed my body to get to the right weight it is meant to carry on my frame. Size 0-2 right now.

I have to admit to being a fashionista! I love trying on new clothes, trying new styles, and seeking those things that I want to wear, not those things that I can fit into. Since I have no clothes in my size for fall and winter this has meant quite a lot of shopping and I am becoming a bargain fashionista. I know all the best places to find quality clothing at a fraction of the cost. Even my shoe size has changed! I love to help people shop and wish someone would seek my help. I am trying to spread the word about this. I have accepted that I am a fashionista and that it does not equate to being shallow. The promises are coming true.

Numbers, numbers, numbers

I am within 5 pounds of the goal weight set for me by my doctor- 125 pounds. To think I once weighed twice that is mind-boggling. My highest BMI was 46, my BMI when I got to OA HOW was 35 and now it is 23. My brain still doesn't have this information registered yet. I perceive myself as fat, even though the visual evidence proves otherwise. I understand from others that it takes time for the cognitive dissonance to go away. I feel like I am always looking in the mirror to try to "see" myself. I don't believe the clothes size I am buying: P4 and some 2's. I try to accept the comments of "you're so small, petite, thin, skinny, etc....one colleague endearingly calls me "small person."

I am so grateful to the friend of a friend who I heard about doing OA HOW and her abstinence and maintenance. I am extremely grateful to my sponsor who guides me with love and discipline. I am grateful to all my OA fellows for sticking with me and picking up the phone when I call. I am grateful to my family for their loving and cheerful support. Mostly, I am grateful to my Higher Power for giving me all those people to help me on this journey. Lastly, I am grateful for the Big Book that tells me:
"The spiritual life is not a theory. We have to live it."

Woe Is Me- Life on Life's Terms redux

My car broke down last Friday and I got the news today. My transmission needs repair for $5,000! What a terrible time for this news. As we are working to decide a solution, I am so regretful that this has happened. My Prius should have had 100M more miles to go, at least in my thinking...these money concerns really make it hard to stay serene about Deanna's work and waiting for the pay-off. I am trying not to over-think how this could have all gone awry at this time in our lives. When we bought our home the future seemed to secure and bright. I am really struggling not to be resentful of LISC and everything else that put us here, and trusting that Deanna's ship will come in. It is not easy to stay believing that we are right where we are supposed to be. It is not where I like to be, that is for sure. I never want to be poor again. I don't like loosing my options. I don't like being afraid and insecure. I don't like being resentful. I don't want to have to work at this job forever. It is easy to say "Thy will be done," it is not easy to live it, when things are not going the way I want them to.

Shopping Surprises Again

This past week-end we went shopping because, once again, my clothes were too big. (such a terrible problem to have-ha-ha!) It was interesting to find out that I jumped a size by loosing about 6 pounds. I went from 8P to 4P. I am still in shock since I have never been a size 4P- EVER. I tried on lots of jeans and found myself thinking "why aren't there more choices in small sizes?" When I have heard skinny people say this in the past, my inward response was "wah-wah-wah." I did finally find jeans that fit perfectly and they look kid-sized to me. I saw a great blouse and said: "this is the kind of blouse I always wished I could wear." It looked kind of 1940's with a little belt. My partner, Deanna, said : "so, try it on." I did and it looked great so I bought it. How exciting to be able to buy lots of different clothing styles and actually spend time choosing the best fit and style, not just having if I could get them buttoned as my buying criteria. Heady, this.

I also took clothes to the consignment shop and while there looked at winter coats. I found the perfect purple wool coat ---- in a size 2. I keep looking at the coat and putting it on and thinking "it has to be mis-marked". Some of you will recognize this cognitive dissonance for what it is. I keep wanting to tell people about it, not to brag, but to get a reality check. It is so outside the boundaries of my experience that I can't accept it. I am finding I can't talk to many about my experiences because like the numbers say: the average woman wears size 14 and talking about size 4P and 2P seems outlandish and maybe insulting.

All this because I was willing to "put my food in a cup."

Healthy!

I had a doctor appointment to evaluate my "metabolic syndrome" conditions of high cholesterol and high glucose. What a wonderful change my eating plan of 8 months has caused. My cholesterol is 156 (drop of about 75 points)and I am not in the pre-diabetic range for glucose. I received a personal note from my doctor acknowledging how great this is. I took one of those "tests" online "What is Your True Age ?" and mine is 39!! In addition to how much my appearance has changed, living the structured plan of eating and using the tools of OA-H.O.W. is adding years to my life. It has been so painless and stress-free. I am so grateful.

Self Will/God's Will

...praying only for knowledge of God's will for us and the power to carry that out. Step 11

This is a tall order for me. I pray for all kinds of things I want or want to happen. I am afraid to pray for God's will because I hate to be told no. I have a hard time accepting God's will because I have a hard time believing God loves me and wants what's best for me and others. I have always thought I know what is best for me and for others. The proof that is not true is obvious, so I probably should stop praying for my will to be done! There is so much more peace for me if I let God do the work, so I can rest. Having played God, I know it is exhausting and the more I don't do it, the better I feel. I can't fix situations, convince others to do what I think is best, or make others change. It is so much more peaceful if I give it all to my Higher Power, so I can keep busy doing the things I am to do: be abstinent, use the tools of my program, and be kind & loving. And from my favorite Bible verse: "...Do justice, love mercy, and walk humbly with my God." Micah 6:8.

Weigh-in Day

June 1 was weigh-in day and I have lost 5.5 more pounds for a total of 50.5. I am now very close to entering the range for my ideal weight. I cannot believe this. I have a doctor appointment to establish the my goal weight, but even to be near the range is a miracle. I haven't weighed this little for more than a minute in 45 years! And I am guaranteed that I will maintain this weight, if I follow my HOW program and remain abstinent.

Facing Fear

My friend was experiencing fear about her food addiction recovery program and her sponsor said: "when we're doing this on our own...there is lots to be afraid of. When we're doing this with our Higher Power...you don't need to be afraid of anything." I want to remind myself everyday of this wonderfully profound and simple truth. When I get all wrapped up in being afraid I want to remind myself that I could not do this alone and I am not doing this alone.

I am overwhelmed and humbled with my gratitude for this program, my sponsor and my Higher Power. That it really is "progress not perfection." That I am understood, my addiction is understood, and recovery is understood and passed on in a tangible everyday way. This week I had a series of events related to my weight loss surgery and being unable to eat. In my fear, I did not contact my sponsor right away. Her first reaction was one of "rules being broken" and I was in such a state of despair, physical and psychic pain, and confusion. My actions were based on fear; fear of not being understood, fear of making mistakes, fear from the well-learned message of the need to always take care of myself, fear of my sponsor's reactions.

My sponsor sought counsel about the issues involved and told me that "as a rule gal, she reacts from a place of fear, and it comes across as anger." She made amends to me for frightening me and worked out all the issues involved and we made a plan together for dealing with this when it happens. She sought accurate information about my anatomical changes and what needs to be done when this happens, without judgment of me. I felt so loved and cared for, so affirmed, and so relieved!

I have grace all around me and it is stunning! The 12-Steps as a program of recovery are profound and divinely inspired and having them modeled in a tangible way everyday is pure grace.

Service - Step 12

Recently I was asked to be the speaker and share "my story" at an OA meeting. I have shared my story once before, so I was less nervous this time. Sitting at the table, looking out at the faces in the group while simultaneously hearing the readings, I had a profound experience. As I saw the feelings appear on the faces of the people in the group; sadness, hopelessness, despair, joy, hopefulness , I realized completely that I was just another tool in the H.O.W. program. My job was to share my experience, strength and hope and my HP could use my service in whatever way needed; I need not worry or be nervous or even try to say the "right thing." I was moved and humbled by this epiphany.

Driven To Eat?

I recently had an assignment to list the people, places, conditions, and circumstances that drove me to over-eat. These things did not drive me to over-eat, but my response to them did. I over-ate around people with whom I felt anxiety, people who I felt anger or resentment towards, people with who I shared happy times & events, people who I could not control--in fact, I over-ate around most people.

Places where I over-ate include places where I was tired- at home & at work, places where I was having fun- restaurants, parties, vacations, & holidays. Basically I over-ate wherever I was because I am a compulsive over-eater. I often over-ate in the car, whether on a road trip or just driving somewhere.

Conditions that I over-ate in were many. I over-ate when I felt powerless, anxious, lonely, afraid, angry, passionate, sad or when I was facing hard situations. I over-ate when my pride was hurt, when I couldn't get my own way, or things didn't go the way I wanted them to, or things didn't meet my expectations, which was often. I over-ate when my attempts to control everyone and everything did not work. When I couldn't manipulate people and situations to meet my needs- it would drive me towards food; for relief, for respite, for rest, and/or a change for my mood. When I was tired or upset I would over-eat.

Sometimes the only circumstances that that led me to over-eat were the fact that food was present, or if not present, the thought of something I wanted to eat would demand that I make it or go buy it. Sometimes I over-ate because I just couldn't stop until something was gone, and sometimes when it was gone, I would find something else to eat until it too, was gone.

I also over-ate when I felt overwhelmed & didn't know where to turn. I over-ate when I was ashamed of my behavior towards myself or others. I did not know how to apologize or make amends and I over-ate to feel less terrible. I over-ate to stuff down my feelings of pain from being hurt or let down by others.

Mostly, because I am a compulsive over-eater and food addict, my entire response to life & all its circumstances was food.

I love recovery in the OA HOW program because it has given me a new pattern for living and I no longer use over-eating to face my life.

Happiness - Where did you go?

Back to the first promise in the Big Book of AA..."you will know a new freedom & a new happiness." I have been joyful and happy all day today. The weather is gorgeous and I am leaving for sunnier climes tomorrow for 10 days! I have been laughing and smiling and it is infectious. What I thought today is: where did all my natural effervescence and joy go? Where has it been? How did I lose it?

I have always been a sunny girl and a happy person, but somewhere along the way that true nature of mine has gone, replaced by a underlying melancholy and I have become a serious person who laughs too little and does not make the world a brighter place. As I reflect on this, it has to do with my food addiction taking over and the despair and hopelessness I felt. It is also heavily influenced by the sadness I feel for my children and the hard roads their adult lives have taken; the deep despair, with little respite, that I feel over their addiction and mental health problems; the difficulties they are enduring in all areas of their lives. My dreams for my children were shattered long ago. I came into recovery heart-broken over this.

Now that I am in recovery and working my own steps, I have experienced a new freedom and I am finding a new happiness and my old happiness. As I am able to turn my children over to my Higher Power I am finding my joy again. How much more useful I am to those around me. I can walk in the sunlight of the spirit and share my joy.

I welcome back my genuine effervescence! Living is delightful.

When It Is Difficult To Be Loving

"My Creator, I ask that you show me the way of patience, tolerance, kindliness, and love."
Big Book of AA p.83

There are people with whom it is so easy to give these responses to and times when it is so easy to have these responses. It is the people who "rub me the wrong way" or who are offensive or clueless where I see the very worst in myself. These are the people that try me. Or the times when I am "on my last nerve" or am too stressed or stretched myself that I don't act in these ways towards others, even those I love. This is when I need to rely on my Higher Power and seek help to be the person my Higher Power would want me to be. Not when it is easy to be loving, kind, tolerant, and patient ---but the times when it is not. Those are also the times it is the hardest to pray and ask for help, so the discipline of praying and asking for help always becomes the best way to live every day of life, so the Spirit can flow in and through me. I seek to walk in the sunlight of the Spirit.

The Promises

"We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.
We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.
We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace.
No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others.
That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear.
We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.
Self-seeking will slip away.
Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.
Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us.
We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.
We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves. "
Big Book of AA pp. 83,84

There was a time I would have thought these were lofty and unattainable promises and in my snottiest voice would have said; "yeah, right." My second thought would be; "well, maybe for someone else..." Now that I have been working the 12 Steps for 8 months I have seen these promises manifesting in my life; "some quickly, some slowly" but mine nevertheless. I have seen my OA fellows genuinely and generously showing they have these traits. I have experienced over and over again that my Higher Power is doing for me what I could not do for myself. I am grateful.

Forgiveness

One more thing
Forgiveness.
In its absence
We, so prone to mistakes,
The hasty tongue
The snap to judgment
Expectations set and
Disappointment living in our house.
Wanting
thwarting loving
Standing in the way of receiving.
All that we crave
Deepest longing
Balm that soothes and eases.
Provided by forgiving
Those who have let us down
And ourselves.
For those we have let down.
That most allusive and
Necessary essence
The connection to the soul of another
And to our own.

C.A.

"We gratefully follow in the footsteps of many others who have walked this way before us, and we are gratified to be making footprints of our own for others to follow." 12 & 12 of OA p. 106

It is a glorious spring day and I am reflective, happy. My OA HOW meeting last night filled me. I am awed by those fellows I am following; their gift of time, wisdom and love- freely given. What the Big Book calls "experience, strength and hope." I am now inviting others to follow our path and it is a humble experience, not the ego-trip it would once have been. I pray I can freely give of my time and be open to loving my fellows and those who are still suffering.

"One Day At A Time"

I said to one of my fellow OAs today, "I wish it was Wednesday so I could go to my meeting tonight." She said, "keep that up and you will miss all of today." (thank you for that--what a gift my fellows are to me)

I often do this living in the future and am not living one day at a time. For weeks I have been longing for spring, now it has arrived (finally) and I am thinking about summer - when we can open the pool and I can be in it! If I continue this way, I will lose every glorious spring day just waiting for summer. I have done this much of the time. Looking forward to and planning for events--while losing the the day I am in and the opportunity to find the "event" in this day.

Today is the present--unwrap it with joy!

Choices

The question gets raised,"how can you have your birthday and Easter celebrations and not eat all the wonderful food, cake, etc...?" I admit it may seem a little odd to bring my own food to such a big meal. The question I ask myself is, "what would I rather have; health, vitality, sanity, and the appearance I want OR eating all the food I want? The choice seems very straightforward and understandable to me and shouldn't really pose a threat to anyone, right? Besides, I have eaten birthday cakes and all that food many, many times before and I am not missing anything. And I don't feel sick from over-eating. I like my choices. I have true freedom.

Judgments

"...and the ill will which poisoned our hearts for years is washed away." OA 12 & 12 p. 75

As I read this I thought, "but I have no ill will..." Then I was pulled up short thinking about all the negative judgments I have made of people all my life, if that is not ill will, then what is? How much more mean and selfish could I be than sharing so many judgments about everyone I profess to love? To erode wonderful relationships by gossip? In my conversation with my Higher Power I say, " I have tried and tried to stop being judgmental and have failed miserably." And my Higher Power says to me, " Give it to me and I will fill your heart with so much love there will be no room left for judgments."

Since asking my Higher Power to help me show love and affection more easily, I have often felt surrounded by and filled with love. I have felt the light of the Spirit and want to share it with others, want to be of service to others, and want my heart to be so filled with love there is no room for judgment, negativity, doubt, fear, or pride. So be it.

A Prayer

Journeying God,

pitch your tent with mine

so that I may not become deterred

by hardship, strangeness, doubt.

Show me the movement I must make

toward a wealth not dependent on possessions,

toward a wisdom not based on books,

toward a strength not bolstered by might,

toward a God not confined to heaven.

Help me to find myself

as I walk in other's shoes.

(Prayer song from Ghana, traditional, translator unknown)

This was a perfect prayer for today. At my OA HOW meeting last night I was able to walk in other's shoes as I listened to their stories and saw a fellow-sufferer hear the message for the first time and get hope. It is a room filled with love and I am learning to give and receive love and affection in a whole new way. And I am gaining wealth, wisdom, and strength. I am grateful.

Life On Life's Terms - part 2

"And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation--some fact of my life unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God's world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism (food addiction), I could not stay sober (abstinent). Unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and my attitudes. BB p. 417 (italics mine)

God,
my children's addictions and mental health issues, my brother's terminal illness, my brother's estranged children, my inability to give and receive love and affection fearlessly, the speed and amount of my weight loss, my sister's conflict with her daughter, our need for couple support--all these things are exactly the way they are supposed to be at this moment. I accept this today, one day at a time, and I will focus on what needs to change in me and my attitudes. Thy will be done.

Whispers In My Ear

My "addict" has been whispering in my ear, softly and oh so reasonably. "You would feel less sad if you could lose weight faster." (that old remedy of mine) "You could skip some of the food from each meal, and no one would know, and you could lose weight faster." (defiant & just a teeny, tiny lie) "You will get more attention if you get to your goal weight and you will feel so much better." (external validation and pride as the means to sooth the ego) "You don't really need to eat so much food anyway." (the set-up in place for that first compulsive bite and the spiral that follows)

My recovering self, connected to my Higher Power, comes to the rescue. "Pray, read, write, talk to your sponsor, talk to your fellows, don't believe your addict lies. Your weight is none of your business, following your plan is your business. Those old solutions did not take away or soothe your sadness."

God, I am standing at the turning point right now. Give me your protection and care as I abandon myself to you and give up my old ways and my old ideas, just for today. Big Book

"Life On Life's Terms"

So I’m better off if I don’t give advice, don’t figure I know what’s best, and just accept life on life’s terms, as it is today–especially my own life, as it actually is. Big Book p. 450

Today is a struggle to accept my life on life's terms. My sweet brother is gravely ill. Though clean and sober for 4 years, his liver failure was caused from his addiction to alcohol. Visiting him in the ICU is so hard. He cries and talks about how much he loves all of us and then I cry. I know he needs to be feeling all these feelings, and I am being with him through it. Then we laugh a while at memories and then we cry again. Today he talked about our Mom a lot -- just put me into a puddle. He is asking for everyone's forgiveness for "everything he put us through." I continue to pray for my own strength to be of service to him and keep doing "what we do" to follow my program. I am so thankful I have my abstinence and my program during this time, or I would be of no service to anyone. I would be raging in my own addiction, eating to medicate my feelings. He said through his tears today, "I thank God for you everyday, my angel." My gift to him is a direct result of my own program of recovery and I thank God everyday for that.

Who Is Running The Show?

“We constantly remind ourselves we are no longer running the show, humbly saying to ourselves many times each day “Thy will be done.” We are then in much less danger of excitement, fear, anger, worry, self-pity, or foolish decisions. We do not tire so easily, for we are not burning up energy foolishly as we did when we were trying to arrange life to suit ourselves.” Big Book pp. 87. 88.

I have to remind myself many times throughout the day that I must resign from running the show and let my Higher Power have that job. This week-end I was exhausted from fear & worry over things I cannot control. My sponsor lovingly reminded me of the things I can control: following my program and seeking my Higher Power's will for me.

I pray that my fear of ___ be removed and my attention be focused to being who you would have me to be today. May thy will and not mine be done. Big Book p. 68.

"Lookism"

I don't like admitting it but I am thinking about my weight a lot again. I haven't been like this for a while, but now that I am 19.0 lbs. from my goal weight of 130 lbs., I am just too aware of it, and eager to get there. It seems so close! OAs often say: "you just follow your program--the weight is none of your business." I am trying to adopt this attitude and I am telling myself this all the time. Part of it is curiosity--what will it really be like to be that weight, what size will I be, and how will I look? What clothes will I buy? I am what they used to call a "clothes horse" and now maybe a fashionista...though I don't really have a personal style and am not into being "in style". Part of this obsessing is because I have cleaned out my closet and have a ton of stuff to consign again and I have no summer clothes that fit. I don't want to buy any until I am at my goal weight, but I will have to.

I am very aware of my vanity and how important looks are in my family of origin. Ironic though, that looks are so important and yet so many of us are overweight--maybe that is why how we look, dress, our hair, etc became so important--as a compensation for our obesity. As I think about this, many of the things I did were a compensation--see how nice I am, what a good worker I am, how talented I am, how pretty I can be....maybe then you will ignore how overweight I am. This led to having a false sense of self and a focus on me, me, me. This will take some dismantling---it will be curious to see who I turn out to really be. This is really a journey into uncharted territory. And as with most adventures, exhilarating and frightening.

"Elbees" (lbs.)

First day of each month--weigh day. I gave away 3.5 lbs. in the past month making my total in OA HOW 42.5 lbs and 102.5 lbs. down from my highest weight. When I came to the rooms of OA HOW in Sept, 2009, I had one purpose: to lose weight. I am succeeding in the physical recovery one day at a time. What I have learned in the rooms is that my emotional and spiritual recovery are equally as important to my physical recovery and it is my spiritual recovery that keeps me abstinent.

We will see that our new attitude towards food has been given us without any thought or effort on our part. It just comes! That is the miracle of it. We are not fighting it, neither are we avoiding temptation. We feel as though we have been placed in a position of neutrality--safe and protected. We have not even sworn off, instead the problem has been removed. It does not exist for us. We are neither cocky nor are we afraid. That is our experience. That is how we react so long as we keep in fit spiritual condition. Big Book p. 85

Fatnlazy, Fatnugly

Susan Sontag said of cancer: "the reputation of the disease adds to the suffering of those who have it."

This is true of the disease of food addiction also. People who wear their addiction on their bodies are discriminated against in our society and are maligned covertly and overtly. Fatnlazy and fatnugly are singular words reflecting the attitudes: "just stop eating, fat people are just lazy, put the fork down, get away from the table." How many times I prayed to just stop. Now I am recovering one day at a time and pray daily for those still suffering from the disease. By praying for them, I am helping to rid myself of internalized self hatred and working on my character defects of arrogance and judgmentalism.

Step 7: Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings.

Humility

To those of us who have made progress in OA, humility amounts to a clear recognition of what and who we really are, followed by a sincere attempt to become what we could be. Big Book p.58

I often think about how I came to the realization that I am a true compulsive and obsessive overeater and food addict. I was informed by the readings at the meetings and the realization was further deepened by the reading & writing assignments that are standard in OA HOW. Over a relatively short period of time, I was able to understand the delusional thinking (insanity) that directed everything I did. I ate the way I ate, thought the way I thought, and lived the way I lived -- I did not connect the dots that this is why I was miserable about my weight, food and alcohol. Now that I am abstinent (following my food plan) I am able to focus on running up and down the 12 Steps and becoming the person I have always wished I could be. This is freedom.

Are you or anyone you know looking for freedom? There is a solution!

Step 4- Made A Searching & Fearless Moral Inventory of Ourselves

Last month I began my Step 4 work and I made a list of all the people who I feel have offended or hurt me and whom I resent. I asked my Higher Power to help me forgive them all. Remembering all the hurts and sharing them with my sponsor was emotionally difficult, but so valuable. This quote describes my experience:

"Forgiveness is the fragrance a violet sheds, after a heel has crushed it." ~Mark Twain.

Next, I focus on myself and my own shortcomings and ways I have hurt other people. These are the steps that lead me to freedom. Daunting, but the promises are worth the trip. Stay tuned for more.

"For Tools To Work You Have To Use Them"

At every OA HOW meeting we hear this read about the tools. When I first began in September I did not see how I could fit all 7 tools into my life and get a routine that incorporated them. (see an earlier post for plan of eating-abstinence)

I especially didn't embrace the daily telephone hook-ups. I hated using the phone so much I didn't know my own cell phone number and never gave it out. I also hate "making conversation" and struggled with talking to people I didn't even know-- AND what would I talk about? I admit some of the calls seemed excruciating. Dead. Silence. But here is the key for me, I was willing to go to any lengths to solve my problem and successful OAs told me that this was a tool I needed to use and so I did it. Eventually, the calls got easier and I formed my own tribe within the bigger clan of OA.

Another tool that was struggle for me was sponsoring. My sponsor scared me and I felt anxious -- wasn't a great fit, and I appreciate that she got me started. The program tells us we can change sponsors at any time and for any reason--and so I changed sponsors. My current sponsor is my mentor, guide, teacher, and she tells me "I've got your back."

I learned from errors about the anonymity tool. I announced my sponsors name to people, talked about people's stories (nameless, but still not anonymous) and other embarrassing breaches. I am not perfect with anonymity but I am improved.

The tools of attending meetings and literature & writing were easy for me because I liked them and got so much from them. I went to 4 different meetings until I found the meeting that is just right for me. I highly recommend this.

The final tool is service. My sponsor asked me to do service everyday. She later had to suggest to me that I seemed flippant about this. I realized my flippancy is a learned way I handle discomfort. It felt conceited to be telling someone 'this is the good thing I did today." I am so glad my sponsor brings up these things. I grew so much from this. I do service as often as I can and have asked my Higher Power to show me ways to be of useful service to others in small, everyday ways and to provide me opportunities to be of service to my fellows in OA.

Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed
our path. BB p. 58

A Conversation

Nephew: "Auntie looks pretty-- and thinner."
Cousin: "She's in a 12 Step Program.
Nephew: "She sure must be running up and down the steps a LOT."

It sure is interesting to hear the array of comments people have when they here about my recovery program:
"If I had to do what you do, it would drive me crazy." (Actually it is driving me sane.)
"That's nice." (You've heard of Minnesota Nice?")
"That's different." (More Minnesota-speak!)
"How do you ever have time for all that?" (Just contrast it with the time spent obsesssing about food & weight, or the time spent being ill later.)
"I'd never have the willpower to do that!" (Me either, that is why I need a power outside of myself and the support of my fellow OAs to do this.)
"Hurray for you, I support you 100%! (Thank you all who offer support and encouragement!)
"Well, it is obviously working! Congratulations!" (You can see the changes on the outside, you should see what is happening on the inside.)
"I would like to go to a meeting with you, does it cost anything" (I would love that, the meeting is open to anyone looking for a solution and is free .)

What I Do

My plan of eating was designed for me by a registered dietician. I have 3 meals and 2 snacks daily. Each day I write out my exact plan for the day--what I am going to eat and the amounts. I call my sponsor everyday and read my daily plan to her. This is my committed food plan and I do not change it unless I call her and "make a food change." I weigh and measure my food so that I am consuming the exact amounts designated by my dietician. I consume no refined sugars or alcohol. The amazing miracle is that after a week of following my plan I had no cravings of any kind-ever. I know this might not happen for everyone, but it happened for me. I am never hungry and I rarely think about food unless it is a designated time to eat, and even then I am never ravenous. Some of you recognize this for the miracle that it is.

Since beginning OA HOW and following this plan of eating and using the tools listed in an earlier post, I have lost 40 pounds. I have 20 pounds to lose to reach my goal weight. I have gone from a size 16-18 to a size 10. I have done this before, but now I feel fully confident that I will maintain my goal weight for a lifetime.

We learned that we had to fully concede to our innermost selves that we are food addicts. This is the first step in recovery. The delusion that we are like other people or presently may be, has to be smashed.

We food addicts are men and women who have lost our ability to control our eating. We know that no real food addict ever regains control. All of us felt at times that we were regaining control, but such intervals--usually brief--were inevitable followed by still less control, which led in time to pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization. We are convinced to a man that food addicts of our type are in the grip of a progressive illness. Over any considerable perod we get worse, never better.

Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous p. 30 (adapted for food addiction)

To find out more about OA: www.oa.org

The Awful Truth- gulp! what I NEVER reveal

On September 19, 2008 I weighed 191.5 pounds at 5'1.5" tall and 58 years old. My highest lifetime weight was 252 pounds. I have lost weight (hundreds of pounds) using most of the commercial weight loss, nutrition and exercise products available, including but not limited to: TOPS, Weight Watchers, Diet Center, Opti-Fast, NutriSystems, LA Weight Loss, Atkins Diet, prescription diet pills, Curves, The YWCA, supplements, prayer, fasting, psychotherapy, "You On A Diet," Dr. Phil's book, Oprah's Boot Camp, and doctor-prescribed diets. And, something almost no one knows about me, and I am just beginning to tell people, I had weight loss surgery in 1981. I have done EVERYTHING to lose weight and solve my problem. Everytime I started a new plan I was enthusiastic and successful! For a while. Always I gained the weight back and reduced self-esteem with it. I did not know what my problem was!

The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous tells me that I have the disease of addiction, and even one bite for an addict will result in a relapse and the cycle begins again. This has been absolutely true for me - I qualify! I was defeated, dumb-founded, depressed, demoralized, and desperate.

What I learned in OA HOW is that my disease of food addiction and compulsive overeating is cunning and baffling, that the only solution is a plan of eating that leads to abstinence. Abstinence is Step Zero and following the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous is the path to freedom. I did not totally accept or understand this or believe I could do it. I thought the HOW program was rigid, inconvenient, and "over-the-top" --but I had no where else to go and nothing left to try.

The Backstory

This blog will chronicle my journey in the Overeater's Anonymous-HOW (Honesty, Openess, Willingness) program - a structured and disciplined approach to recovery from compulsive overeating and food addiction. I entered the rooms of HOW on September 19, 2008, hopelessly demoralized about my obesity, weight loss, and weight gain history and knew I had to find a solution that worked. The program is based on the 12 Steps and 12 Traditions of Alcoholics Anonymous. Everything I heard at that first meeting resounded with me and I knew I was where I was supposed to be and I jumped right in, wanting what I saw that other OAs had. I wish I had started this blog from day 1, but I will try to recapture those days because they are important to knowing this journey. The willingness I felt does not mean that I have not struggled and does not mean that I was open to using the 7 tools:
- abstinence-a plan of eating
- meetings
- anonymity
- sponsoring
- telephoning
- literature & writing
- service
As you will often hear in 12 Step programs, the thoughts, feelings, and experiences written here are mine and mine alone- "take what you can and leave the rest." Also, OA-HOW is an anonymous program and so I will not be revealing identifiable information to protect my anonymity and the anonymity of others, honoring the 12th Tradition: "Anonymity is the spiritiual foundation of all our traditions, ever reminding us to place principles before personalities." and the HOW tool of anonymity.

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."