Facing Fear

My friend was experiencing fear about her food addiction recovery program and her sponsor said: "when we're doing this on our own...there is lots to be afraid of. When we're doing this with our Higher Power...you don't need to be afraid of anything." I want to remind myself everyday of this wonderfully profound and simple truth. When I get all wrapped up in being afraid I want to remind myself that I could not do this alone and I am not doing this alone.

I am overwhelmed and humbled with my gratitude for this program, my sponsor and my Higher Power. That it really is "progress not perfection." That I am understood, my addiction is understood, and recovery is understood and passed on in a tangible everyday way. This week I had a series of events related to my weight loss surgery and being unable to eat. In my fear, I did not contact my sponsor right away. Her first reaction was one of "rules being broken" and I was in such a state of despair, physical and psychic pain, and confusion. My actions were based on fear; fear of not being understood, fear of making mistakes, fear from the well-learned message of the need to always take care of myself, fear of my sponsor's reactions.

My sponsor sought counsel about the issues involved and told me that "as a rule gal, she reacts from a place of fear, and it comes across as anger." She made amends to me for frightening me and worked out all the issues involved and we made a plan together for dealing with this when it happens. She sought accurate information about my anatomical changes and what needs to be done when this happens, without judgment of me. I felt so loved and cared for, so affirmed, and so relieved!

I have grace all around me and it is stunning! The 12-Steps as a program of recovery are profound and divinely inspired and having them modeled in a tangible way everyday is pure grace.

Service - Step 12

Recently I was asked to be the speaker and share "my story" at an OA meeting. I have shared my story once before, so I was less nervous this time. Sitting at the table, looking out at the faces in the group while simultaneously hearing the readings, I had a profound experience. As I saw the feelings appear on the faces of the people in the group; sadness, hopelessness, despair, joy, hopefulness , I realized completely that I was just another tool in the H.O.W. program. My job was to share my experience, strength and hope and my HP could use my service in whatever way needed; I need not worry or be nervous or even try to say the "right thing." I was moved and humbled by this epiphany.

Driven To Eat?

I recently had an assignment to list the people, places, conditions, and circumstances that drove me to over-eat. These things did not drive me to over-eat, but my response to them did. I over-ate around people with whom I felt anxiety, people who I felt anger or resentment towards, people with who I shared happy times & events, people who I could not control--in fact, I over-ate around most people.

Places where I over-ate include places where I was tired- at home & at work, places where I was having fun- restaurants, parties, vacations, & holidays. Basically I over-ate wherever I was because I am a compulsive over-eater. I often over-ate in the car, whether on a road trip or just driving somewhere.

Conditions that I over-ate in were many. I over-ate when I felt powerless, anxious, lonely, afraid, angry, passionate, sad or when I was facing hard situations. I over-ate when my pride was hurt, when I couldn't get my own way, or things didn't go the way I wanted them to, or things didn't meet my expectations, which was often. I over-ate when my attempts to control everyone and everything did not work. When I couldn't manipulate people and situations to meet my needs- it would drive me towards food; for relief, for respite, for rest, and/or a change for my mood. When I was tired or upset I would over-eat.

Sometimes the only circumstances that that led me to over-eat were the fact that food was present, or if not present, the thought of something I wanted to eat would demand that I make it or go buy it. Sometimes I over-ate because I just couldn't stop until something was gone, and sometimes when it was gone, I would find something else to eat until it too, was gone.

I also over-ate when I felt overwhelmed & didn't know where to turn. I over-ate when I was ashamed of my behavior towards myself or others. I did not know how to apologize or make amends and I over-ate to feel less terrible. I over-ate to stuff down my feelings of pain from being hurt or let down by others.

Mostly, because I am a compulsive over-eater and food addict, my entire response to life & all its circumstances was food.

I love recovery in the OA HOW program because it has given me a new pattern for living and I no longer use over-eating to face my life.