"I can do this on my own now"

"We have bad news for you, if you take that first compulsive bite..."

The inevitable happened. I am an addict. In May of 2010, I decided I no longer needed the discipline of the H.O.W. program, and guaranteed to my spouse, my sponsor and others that if I was "in trouble" I would know it and get right back into H.O.W. I did wonderfully until Christmastime, 2010. I took that first compulsive bite of holiday treats I was making. No problem until about a week later and I did it again--only more bites this time. If you know compulsive over-eating, you know it wasn't long until I was eating "goodies" compulsively. After the holidays, I stopped the compulsive sugar-eating and carried on. I did not measure "exactly." I did not follow my plan exactly. I went to Palm Springs and "managed" my own eating.

My addict-self crept in on me and eventually/inevitably I began eating cereal for my morning carb again. I began adding a bit more and a bit more until my portion was doubled, more than doubled. To offset this, I didn't eat some of my other morning food, like my fat and protein and dairy....playing with my food plan.

In March, 2011 I finally told myself the truth, as I watched myself get entirely out-of-control with the cereal, skipping foods, and eating compulsively. I found a nearby H.O.W. meeting and began going again. It took me a few weeks to find a sponsor. She happened to be very nice (wishy-washy) and this worked into my addiction beautifully. I "committed" my food to her, read my assignments to her and made a half-hearted attempt at following the program. I went to the meetings, called her and wrote answers. I did not make phone calls. I did not do any reading. I did not tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I "tried" to follow my food plan and would tell myself every night that "tomorrow I will stop eating cereal", follow my food plan, and every morning I would eat the cereal. Again. I find that I am hungry/craving often, and I never was before this relapse.

I am still slim (fooling everyone and myself), but I have gained about 10 pounds. (from 105 to 115 pounds). This is tricky because everyone had been telling me I was too thin, "so what's a few pounds?" I think about my weight constantly. Deep down I feel scared to death and as though I already weigh 200 pounds. My mind is no longer my own and I am obsessing.

My sponsor became ill and said I should probably find a new sponsor. She is very apologetic for her unreliability. (the unreliability that I love!) This has caused me to look at myself honestly. I have to USE THE TOOLS. I went to the half-price bookstore and bought some books to read. I found my blog and am writing. I am determined to get back to the place I was in in my previous posts. Actually, I won't be in that place; I will be in a new, more wise place. (hopefully.)

So I am writing this and I know I must share it my spouse and others. I have to "come clean" and get truly abstinent. I am afraid of this. I may need to see my dietitian to revise my plan to lose the weight I have put on. I have to find a new, more demanding and committed sponsor. I may need 2 meetings per week.

For today:
I am reading books and writing this.
I must find a new sponsor who holds me accountable.
I must start seeking help outside of myself.
I can commit to these steps today.