"Lookism"

I don't like admitting it but I am thinking about my weight a lot again. I haven't been like this for a while, but now that I am 19.0 lbs. from my goal weight of 130 lbs., I am just too aware of it, and eager to get there. It seems so close! OAs often say: "you just follow your program--the weight is none of your business." I am trying to adopt this attitude and I am telling myself this all the time. Part of it is curiosity--what will it really be like to be that weight, what size will I be, and how will I look? What clothes will I buy? I am what they used to call a "clothes horse" and now maybe a fashionista...though I don't really have a personal style and am not into being "in style". Part of this obsessing is because I have cleaned out my closet and have a ton of stuff to consign again and I have no summer clothes that fit. I don't want to buy any until I am at my goal weight, but I will have to.

I am very aware of my vanity and how important looks are in my family of origin. Ironic though, that looks are so important and yet so many of us are overweight--maybe that is why how we look, dress, our hair, etc became so important--as a compensation for our obesity. As I think about this, many of the things I did were a compensation--see how nice I am, what a good worker I am, how talented I am, how pretty I can be....maybe then you will ignore how overweight I am. This led to having a false sense of self and a focus on me, me, me. This will take some dismantling---it will be curious to see who I turn out to really be. This is really a journey into uncharted territory. And as with most adventures, exhilarating and frightening.